confrontations

I try to live a 'courageous' life.
well, that may not be the ideal word, 'straightforward' should be more appropriate.
tell things when it's needed and confront ppl when necessary.

goodness, it's harder than I thought!
why do I feel so guilty when I ignore someone? even when the person is so very annoying?
why can't I just tell the person off?
"stop bothering me."
"I don't want to see you."
straightforward.

Am I misleading you even when I fuyan you?
Take a hint can? ):
Sometimes, I feel so bad for fuyan-ing but one's gotta do what one's gotta do.
I'm mean to say this, but lol, you're not worth my time -.-
for me, it's stressful to face clingy people.
I need my space. I need moderation.

urgh.
I hate it when I'm friendly in the virtual world and ppl get attached and wanna 'invade' my real world.
I'm selectively social.
so please forgive me.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

talked.

these few days been badd.
for my well being at least Lol.
lots of hatred pent up inside.

finally talked to someone about it.
I cried. (well a little) :P
it hurts to be so angry inside.

at least now, I've let it out a little.
baby steps.. (:
looking forward to the day when I let go of this.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

pent up.

no one I can talk to about so many things.
there are people for me to talk to.
but I simply cannot.

Do you know that feeling?

I've gotten used to bottling up my thoughts.
There's always the issue of privacy, of trust, of shoulds & should nots.
If I tell, it might be degrading to the 'subject'.
If I tell, people will talk & then things get complicated.
If I tell, will they actually understand?

I'm so used to building walls around myself.
I've tried, really I have... to tear them down slowly & build bridges instead..
But having it backfire time after time is depressing.

):

Not only that, in MMU, especially my law course,
everyone is kepoh. Everyone!
Gotta guard my own secrets properly or it goes viral.

God, I pray for my family.. keep them safe from harm & out of evil ways.
Lord Jesus, I pray that the court case will be resolved in our favour asap.
Thank You God :) Amen.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

distracted.

goodness! I can't focus in studying! :(
nid to get some things off my chest I guess?
been wanting to blog about things, but then dun seem to be able to do so?
it's like words just dont come to me.
even as of now, it is the same.
but it's making me sien & restless so I'll just try to make myself feel better? :(

hmm~ ok, so this post is gonna be about 'you'.
I feel bad really, for talking behind your back?
but I feel good, for letting it out? hahahaha and finding that others feel the same damn way.

& now I'm caught in a dilemma -__-
I don't really wanna be THAT close with you,
but then again, I am already the closest fren you have here?
full of myself? maybe.

It's not like me to be fake in front of people.
Being nice & being fake are different things.
Please see the line that distinguishes them.

Lately, well as of this semester, I gotta admit, I am being fake.
but only to you :)
Why?? Because that's just who I am.
I give back whatever shit or candy you gimme.
So you gave me shit, why should I give you candy?
You turned ppl against me. deliberately.
Thank God I did not fall to your standards, well, I dont have a need to~
Since you've already done it yourself.

seriously, you think you are that good at reading people.
you assume you are always right.
you assume you know me, but how much do you really?

urgh, one thing that I really despise about you- you hide things.
From so many people for so many selfish reasons.
It's sad.
It's saddening to see how others are falling...
somehow I'm glad that I won't be thr to see them hit the ground.
Your parents for one.
Why do you hide your bf from them?
a quote "a relationship in hiding will nvr last."

in the 3 years I've known you, you've chged like 3 bfs.
I try not to be judgmental, but really, you have a pattern.
The newest one, just dont seem to be THE ONE for you either,
but no harm sucking out every advantage u got rite?

oh yea, & dah lah got bf, stop flirting with other guys lah.
ketaranya the difference in personality when with us & with other guys.
FAKE.
& how dare you tell me I am the one who is fake.
goodness, lately getting close with one guy friend~ super nice fella :)
I hope he's not under her spell cz it would be heartbreaking to see him enslaved.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

oh mai gawdd.

diuuu~ getting pissed off leh!
jidan gao -___-
so hard meh what I ask you to do?
My instructions sibeh the clear liao leh.
Why other people, I reject their work once then ok ady?
Why you no do better?

Is making me bolat u noe?
I reject ur work trice! not once, not twice, but TRICE.
if u still cannot gimme a 5 paragraphs of quality work,
I'm afraid I might blow up at ur face man.

So tempted to take over n do it for u.
But fuck it. Why should I?
Why should I suffer when u dont do shit?
When all you do is date date date?
OMG, so disappointed sial.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

You're not THAT different from me.

Well, honestly, I'm taken aback with your reaction to the prank.
It was trivial.
Oh c'mon, as if you never pranked anyone.
As if you never lied.

I've explained myself & I dun find the need to explain any further.
You for one should understand that lies come hand in hand with pranks.

"If you can't tell the truth, just don't lie to my face."
Whao. I cannot believe you tweeted that.
I would say the exact same thing to you.

Frankly, there are so many times when I could have argued or fight for myself.
The thing is, I just choose not to.
I don't like to fight. But I can, really.
I can say things, things that hit nerves, things that hurt.
Things I can't take back once said. That's why I refrain from doing so.
What's the point of making everything so pressuring & strained?
rite? It aint worth the time. It aint worth anything for that matter.
& plus, it would make it seem like you're the victim & I'm the mean bully.
^^

So Yeah, so go on. Continue the cold shoulder treatment.
I aint apologising any more than I had.
Since you always treat it as though NOTHING HAPPENED when things did,
Let's just use your way ok? :)

Don't worry. I'll be around.
But I aint taking the first step to reconcile.


❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

ORANGE

feeling orange lately :(
I dun like it.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

overwhelming

ok, I dunno wtf is wrong with me.
I can't get myself to work, I can't get myself to study.
I stress-eat. For trivial reasons.

I'm just very moody.
dam all of these.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

f*cker stress ahhh!!!

!(&#@*#(!&$)!()#@()!@!!!
GRRR!~
STOP THROWING THINGS FOR ME TO HANDLE LAH.
OMG. F*CK MAI LIFE.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

mental down breaking.

de blah de blah de blah.
long time no see.
goodness, rly can't take it anymore.
today was very very overwhelming.

Law Seminar this n that,
CSS gatherings this n that,
School Works to catch up.

feeling pressured.
feeling unappreciated.
feeling edgy.
annoyed.
angry for no reason.

This is getting too much.
I can't stop the tears somehow.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

I dont expect any of you to understand

PRANKING.
it's just part of me man.. if you cant take it, just OVERSEE IT.

To you ppl:
I thought u would have known me better. Not understand, but know.
I'm disappointed. This happened before.
Maybe you don't understand why I like to prank, but the fact is that you must have at least known.
Why are you out to spoil my pranks?
NOTHING is perfect. I NOE.
You see those imperfections, I NOE.
Cant you, for the love of God, let it slide?

Again, human fraility.
Everyone wants to be smart.
They feel superior when they THINK they outsmart other people.
damn all of these.
you think I dont see the imperfections in the pranks I pull?

oh puhlease.
I noe who are likely and unlikely to fall for the pranks.
izzit that hard to ignore or play along?

haters gonna hate.
bye.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

Humane

there are so many things that makes one humane.
I fucking hate it.

why do people have the need to share information?
is like what they say, "没人分享，快乐只剩一半"
this applies to me as well. Seriously, I dont have much of an outlet.

oh yes, I found out some bloody shocking happy news but it has to be kept on the downlow.
which REALLY just makes me wanna tell ppl even more.
u get? damn.

and so, very smart me, I chose to tell someone about my brother.
and very the smart her, she go n tell my brother that I told her.
I was like WHAT THE FUCK? -___-
my bro is never gonna let me know anything ady lar.
where got ppl reveal their fucking sources one?
you think it's funny? really?
compromising ur sources will only lead ur source to a dead end.
DO YOU NOE HOW HARD IT IS TO GAIN TRUST?
FML. I'm not gonna tell u shit anymore la.

U expect utmost honesty between all of us, but really u think that can happen?
Fuck. I'm not even gonna tell u about my stuff anymore.
have fun being kept in the dark.

n really, I am so tired of this MCS thing.
the moment I bring up the topic abt my bro,
why am I still surprised that the attention shifted immediately and the call ends thr.
dafuq? why do I always feel so belittled when compared to him?

even when the attention was on me, most of the time, I just felt fuyan-ness.
oh yes, I AM always the doorknob topic.
after all the fuyanness then u talk abt urself only.

I get it that the people u want attention from isnt giving it to you,
and I am always, always the one who could give that to you...
but I am only human.

all I ask for is more sincerity?
all I ask for is to NOT be taken for granted.
just becz the world is unfair to you doesnt give u the right to be unfair to me.

it is actually harder than you think to make myself always be the one others can depend on.
just becz I try to be a good kid doesn't mean I'm THAT good that when I did a small mistake,
one small evil makes me a worse kid compared to the kids who are bad for the start.

It really is just perceptions and assumptions.
It really is just humane.
and it definitely is damn unfair.


❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

dangerous me

"I noe exactly what to say to break people.
that's why I always choose to shut up.
because what I say always land right at the spot.
it might break ppl beyond repair, or rarely, it will help them improve.

trust me, one day if you piss me off enough,
you'll have a taste of it.
just like how the people tasted it last time."

wanted to post the above passage ytdy but decided not to.

anyway, I'm glad I always choose to shut up.
Because nobody's perfect.

Sorry for letting anger/ disgust cloud my "analysis?" (nt sure if that's the correct word)
after some thots into the whole situation, I finally got you figured out :)

I'm not that mad per se (at least nt anymore), but degrading others to feel better is a BAD BAD way to deal with whatever you are trying to avoid to face.

Hope you get what I've said to you.
Wish you all the best then~ cheers ^^

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

birds of the same feather

do you hear yourself talking?
I mean like seriously.
most of the time, I enjoy your company.
but sometimes, you can REALLY DISGUST me.

You talk abt integrity & morals.
Then you talk abt how you would like to violate them.
What are you trying to prove?
That you've got game?
Tell you what, all you proved is your own insecurities.

"sticking with one girl, wouldn't be fun".
oh c'mon, you think it would be fun to stick to u?
it takes more than fun for a relationship to work, if you cant see that,
then God bless you.

Careful.. one day, you might really end up being alone.
what I mean by alone is really alone. deep down soul etching loneliness.
you might have a wife, a family.. but in the end, you'll still be alone.

Why?
because of the choices you made or are about to make.
because you always choose to run away from your confusion.
because you treat PEOPLE like OBJECTS.
because of your own cowardice towards commitment.
because you dont have the guts to man up to the world.
because you dont have the balls to face even the SLIGHTEST POSSIBILITY OF HURT.

birds of the same feather flock together.
I quite pride myself with my guy friends.
Frankly, most of them aint bad :) hahaha.
You are my friend, a dear one at that, but really...
if you continue to be like this, I dun think we can actually 'flock' together anymore.
You need serious help.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

art of expression

I sux at it.
the art of expression.
I oways find it so hard to express what I really wanna express.
with words, with emotions, gestures. everything. urgh.
it pisses me off sometimes.

I tell people I understand what they are going thru.
I REALLY DO. but I dun think they get that I do.
I have this 'curse' of being clairvoyant? haha.
I'm good at reading people.
I get why they act that way or how they are self-destructing.
(at least I think I get them. )
I want to help them. really.. I do.
part and parcel of being a Christian too maybe?

problem: I dunno how.

telling them might bruise their ego.
not telling them, I feel like I 见死不救. lol.

As a person, we don't like to be transparent in front of ppl.
correct? The irony rite?
We search all our lives for someone who could understand us,
but we are also afraid.


❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

life

so the thing with my melaka friends was.. hmm... ok la.
ntg much :) I was kept in the dark about their break up that's all.
Now that we've cleared things up.
Doing great!

that aside, I hate this semester.
omg, feel so stressed and I cant do anything abt it.
time flies so fast.
and I feel so super uber the unproductive.
arhhhh........ God Bless me.
Exam in 2 weeks time, and the sem just started last 2 weeks.
whaooo~ O.O

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

bitter tears

after being settled about one thing, another thing pops up.

seriously? What did I do wrong worh?
I feel boycotted la. dafuq whey.
If I did something wrong tell me la..

If it's about the trip to Sabah,
then I guess my biggest mistake was to have you all over.
This is beyond unappreciated man!

I'm so speechless.
Am I being paranoid? cz u guys kinda ketara lorh.
the fuck.

Almost 2 years de friends, so yeah, this hurt damn a lot.
I honestly feel left out and insignificant. Like I'm invisible. Yah noe?
Do you noe how much it hurts? I hope I'm just paranoid and all these will go away.
and there I thought, I've made great friends.

seriously, I hate Peninsula SO SO SO SO much.
the people, the places. everything.
I wanna go back to Sabah, I just want to go back in time.
Back to the days with my REAL TRUE friends in LokYuk.



❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

自欺

如果自欺可以让自己好过一些， 你会吗？

人总是喜欢活在谎言之中， 因为只有这样才会感到所欲的幸福和安全。
坚持面对事实可以很痛苦，
坚持不活在谎言之中， 真的不是想像中的简单容易。

今天塔飞机回马六甲，
想了很多很多。
在飞机上的心情有一点乱，
心里话到底是什么？自己也变地模糊了。
是心碎还是遗憾和不舍呢？

I really thought I was fine.
In KK, had heart to heart talks with CJV n Hailing.
But when I felt like I wanna tell them about it, I suddenly realised I had ntg to say at all.
Only then I realised I had blocked the whole incident out of my head.
My brain has yet to process it.

As of now, I feel okay :)
The agony is temporary gone because I've found my ground.
Before this, it was so torturing because I dunno where I stand,
what I want, what is real and what is unreal.

The truth is as real as you let it be, I guess.
Thank you for letting me go? Now I shall work hard to do the same.
You are a very precious friend :)
my stand is that I dont want to lose you.

It's amazing I guess..
How we can just talk n chat like ntg ever happened.
Like how we were long ago.
Thank you for today.

Thank You for everything, always <3

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

tequila shots

hmm, I've got so many bruises on me >.<
from the hard core playing for the past few weeks!
well, i'm proud of them :D

but when i say "bruises", the thing that comes to mind is "EGO".
yes, my ego was bruised. it still is..
maybe some part of me really couldnt face the fact that I've lost the game.
I couldnt accept that I was played.
hmmm....

but for most part, I couldnt accept that people knew that I was played?
I felt exposed and seriously 'BRUISED' when pokey they all found out on fb.
haish. I couldnt take it. I left the group and walked arnd alone.
I almost cried.
however, telling myself it was ego hurting and not entirely the feelings,
it did make me feel A LOT better. LOL.

anyway~
M playing with fire here.
We kept a bit of contact..?
I wanted to play more. a defence tactic perhaps?
to perhaps give myself back some selfworth?
I feel the need to get back at him.

yuan lai, my ego problem so kinyao de... O_O
gosh, why am I so complicated? lol.
in the end, it would still be me who gets hurt rite?

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

#天平again :)

天秤一个人的世界..很安静..安静的可以听到自己的呼吸和心跳..
冷了、给自己加件外套..
饿了、给自己买个面包..
病了、给自己一份坚强..
失败了、给自己一个目标..
跌倒了、在伤痛中爬起并给自己一个宽容的微笑..
你从来不曾来过、天秤也从来不曾出现在你的世界..

天秤座所受的伤，懂的人不多。
因为天秤座的孩子总把伤口藏得很深很深，除非你是ta的挚友，不然你不会看见ta的痛楚。
当天秤座做错事，请不要立即责怪ta，给ta多一些温柔的提醒，给ta多一些耐性，给ta多一点宽容。可以吗？


天秤是一个对别人不计较的太多，却总是对自己计较很多的星座。
想象总是过于美好，现实也总是过于残酷，不可避免与不开心不期而遇。而天秤的个性又是相当的犹豫，总是无法果断做出决定，要不要坦言，要不要离开，亦或是要不要留下，情绪的起伏，心里的挣扎常常令他们郁郁不乐，即使和别人商量了，也不一定就会有决定，一来二去，很多时候就干脆不合别人商量了，一个人放在心里琢磨。于是，悲伤也变得闷闷的，天秤不愿意说，别人又怎么可能猜得透，简单的伤心难过，在别人看来也就成了难懂的秘密。


天秤受伤了，可能会在角落哭着自言自语，我撑不下去了…
但哭完了，说不定又擦去泪水对自己说，没关系，我还可以再撑一会…
不为别的，只因为真的太在乎了…


天秤小气，容不得最爱的人和异性接触。天秤没安全感，巴不得和最爱天天在一起。
天秤记仇，在天秤的眼里只有对与错，爱与恨。
天秤诚实，看不起常撒谎的人。

有时候，莫名的心情不好，不想和任何人说话，只想一个人静静的发呆。
有时候，夜深人静，突然觉得不是睡不着，而是固执地不想睡。
有时候，听到一首歌，就会突然想起一个人。
有时候，别人突然对你说，我觉得你变了，然后自己开始百感交集。
----丢了的自己，只能慢慢捡回来。

天秤不爱发短信，也不爱打电话，对特别的人会例外。
自尊心很强，强过金钱，强过事业，也强过爱情。
天秤座需要慢慢相处，因为天秤座是个被动的星座，慢热的星座，放不开的星座，一见钟情很难发生在天秤座身上，天秤的爱需要时间。
他们会喜欢很多人，却很难爱上一个人。


天秤座的你在害怕什么呢？如果有人爱你，就让他爱。如果有花送来，就谢谢。如果有人约你，就考虑。在这世上，别人对你好，都不太会伤害你。
只有你对别人好，才会一再反噬，令你痛苦。
所以，放心大胆的让人爱，而小心谨慎的去爱人。

天秤座希望對方能在意她，她不喜歡求來的東西，她要的是你發自內心的掛念。天秤座的女生是需要寵的，哪怕是一起去吃頓最便宜的飯，她也會開開心心，因為你記得寵她就夠了，你對她冷，她對你更冷。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

fucking dejavu

okay, so first thing first.
fuck you.

second thing,
fuck my life.

third thing,
I'm sorry if I seem petty,
but this is too much, even for me to take in.
betrayal of the same kind.
the exact same shit.
though I told myself not to have expectations...
though I told myself this day may come and I shall be prepared.
I must say, this still hurts.
I've let down so much of my ego,
and you bruised it like it was nothing.

already deleted from my contacts.
am going to stop praying for you too.
it's a me-policy from now on.

I'm so tired.
mentally, & physically.
and now, emotionally.
if I could, I would... suicide.

so lazy to think, so lazy to face anything.
but here I am, wit so many ppl I'm accountable to.
and what I have to do, is put on the "everything is fine, I'm just tired" face.

truth is,
I AM NOT OKAY.
VERY NOT OKAY.
I wanna go back to Melaka.
I wanna go hide in my own private room.

in KK, there's mum, then there's dad, then there's my sis...
and then there's my gang of Melaka frends here.
I can't even be vulnerable under my own skin.

lock it down Jo, lock it all down.
I can do this :)
Dear Daddy God, please help me through this.
Dear Jesus, I'm lost. I'm having so many self-doubts right now.
Please oh please, don't let this turn me into a person with even stronger barrier,
please don't let this change me into a bad person.
This world is just too harsh sometimes...

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

loner

damn, why now being in the "wanna be a loner" phase?
I wanna be alone, but then I feel this overwhelming loneliness.
well, I got ppl to talk to, but they are not the ones I wanna talk to.
get me? >.<
nid my bffs :( nid to talk to them! anyone...? all slpt ady :/
again, timing's a bitch.

lol, damn the scales.
being libra is so tough :( always finding a 'balance'...
when I think abt the future...
so many ppl... so many activities...
then I just wanna be alone.. just wanna do ntg...
(balancing out?) unnecessarily though.

tired, goodnight.. I shall sleep it off.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

kena friend zoned

haha, just saying only. lol..
friend zoned. I oso friend zone back
:P?

anyway, I'm heading home in less than 20hours!
why am I feeling depressed...?
well, not depressed lar.. I dun feel like going back :(
somehow..

dont get me wrong, I miss KK... I miss my family..
but really, my heart like feel so heavy? just feel... out of place.
ah, I feel STRESSED.
like something bad is gonna happen.
God pls, I pray that everything will be alright...

it's late, and insomnia is my bff for now.
so many memories flashing in my head.
"I wanna hop into my proton wira, and drive arnd KK..."
"I wanna go Likas Park there and just jog.. alone.."

I really nid to find a way to cope with stress larh :(
urgh, I hope my Melaka friends will fine with KK and me being their host LOL.
I think I'm just uncomfortable travelling with other ppl.
and the entertaining... awsh :( but I guess I'm overthinking it >.<

ahhhhh~ I nid some booze. lol~ :P
can't wait to meet Alden and Dom! :)

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我回来了！

哈咯~
心情要是跟上一回比比， 好了很多很多 :)

我发现只要不是一个人，就不会胡思乱想了 :) hehe...
也发现其实我很需要和一个人保持沟通才会有‘安全感’。
看人，我不输人~
所以当我没有任何‘东西’ 还是 ‘线索’ 什么的。。
会觉得非常不自在， 因为任何事情都可以发生，任何人都可以改变主意。。
^算是我对自己的分析吧。

新年时还不错吧~
聊得满开心的，很舒服。

我觉得自己很好笑~ lol.
聊着聊着，突然觉得其实就只是很要好很要好的朋友罢了。
很奇怪吧？ hmm...

哈哈。 其实我也不确定啦，
有时候反觉得，
我自己言行上的犹豫不定和混不清也不输他。

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sign of depression

O.O
for the past few weeks, I've been forgetting to breathe at times LOL...
only a few days ago I realised it was depression settling in.
ahhhhh.... got better ady after meeting with my family :)
but I still din get to tell mummy about what happened.
Told baby sis thou... >.<
mum's too busy, no good timing desu~
how? praying for the best, that things will be settled soon enough.
before she finds out.

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也只有这样了

有时候真的很恨你， 但我更恨我自己走不出这种悲痛。


心真的很痛。
近来常常会有时候， 突然眼泪就莫名地掉了下来。


脑呀脑， 可以请你不要一直胡思乱想吗？
情绪啊情绪， 可以请你不要一直变来变去吗？
很辛苦。。 真的快受不了了。
原来我也和一般人一样， 那么地脆弱。


每一个人所经历的，
不一定是一样的难受，不一定是一样的幸福。
我不会要求任何人完全理解我心里所承担的一切，
因为要了解我， 真的不容易吧 :)
我自己都在理解自己的当中。


可以说我不后悔吗？
答案是我一定可以。
可是， 我真的很不喜欢自己无法控制对你的期待，
一次又一次的失望， 甚至真的要放弃了。。
但我更讨厌自己， 这么容易地让你把下定了的心摧毁。
根本没有动摇， 而是完完全全的没了。
觉得自己很没用。怎么可以这样？！


希望可以快点找到让我开心一点的事儿。
希望新年终于见到家人时，可以暂时把一切的悲痛都忘了。
爸爸，妈妈，珊珊~ 真的真的真的很想你们！



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a small confession

I'm in a lot of pain.
self-induced? I have no idea.
Not everything is the way that it seems.

it's not that I don't look for people to get help.
it's just always bad timing.
I've got this very big thing to tell mum.
I have to.
But I really am not ready.
I noe it's my fault.
I noe it was stupid.
I noe how she would react.
I noe I am hoping that she wouldn't react that way.
what I dunno is if I can take her reaction.
whichever it may turn out to be..
be it anger, when words can hurt A LOT...
be it understanding, when those feeling of relief and guilt sets in...

I really dunno how to face her.
All I can do now is hide?
but the fear is eating me up from inside.
God, I'm truly sorry, so please just answer my prayer & help me through this.

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I'm damaged.

finally got the time to blog. wanted to blog ytdy and this morning but really no time.
just finished my tutorials :)

anyway, went to church ytdy and it was one of the rare occasions that I paid 100% attention.
it was good.
the bible readings helped me realised things.
the sermon by the priest pierced through me.

That mass is the first time ever in my life that I sobbed and cried for almost an hour.
I couldn't control my tears.
The songs, the prayers, the words, the tunes.
Everything was inducing my tears to flow.
Those were tears of guilt, of pain, of suffocation, of pressure, of fear... of healing....
I held back a lot, it would have been very very ugly to cry out loud.
All I could do was bite my lips to stop any sound from coming out.

When I started to tremble from pressuring down the overwhelming pangs of feelings,
only then I realized how much pain I was in...
only then I realized how much fear I had in myself...
only then I realized how damaged I was...
"I need help."

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everyone is a hypocrite.

don't deny it.

---

sometimes, I feel that I disgust myself.
as of now, I dun even noe what principles I hold in life.

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note to self?

certain people told me this:
"you don't need to please everyone"

I know I don't need to.
But certain people, I choose to.
Some for positive reasons,
others for selfish reasons... (dun wan to entertain displeased ppl)

Then again, some ppl told me this too:
"would they do the same for you?"

This I highly doubt.

----

While you were asking me to cover ur ass every time, and I so do,
does not mean that I can be bossed around or that you can take me for granted..
It just meant that I had something else to protect from you.

---

why are you doing this to me?
why am I letting you do this to me?
I'm in a ditch now and I can't and don't have the time to sort out my damn thots.
God Bless Me ):

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stressed aku.

it's so fucking miserable to be caught in between things.
friends for one.
and I really am... just... tired.

part of me wants the truth.
then the other part of me can't bear to tell tat truth (protecting certain people, I guess).
so lies. lies and lies.
never thought lying can be THIS tiring.

I feel taken for granted.
I feel stressed.
I feel so many things.
I dunno what to feel anymore.
I dunno what to express anymore.

perhaps, this 'game' is indeed too much for me?
my studies is a pain in the ass,
and I am really really losing out on the energy to continue playing.

if I quit, I need to explain. which is damn tiring as well...
if I continue, I need to continue with this 'front'.
goodness, I swear I was gonna cry just now.
FML.

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