fucking dejavu

okay, so first thing first.
fuck you.

second thing,
fuck my life.

third thing,
I'm sorry if I seem petty,
but this is too much, even for me to take in.
betrayal of the same kind.
the exact same shit.
though I told myself not to have expectations...
though I told myself this day may come and I shall be prepared.
I must say, this still hurts.
I've let down so much of my ego,
and you bruised it like it was nothing.

already deleted from my contacts.
am going to stop praying for you too.
it's a me-policy from now on.

I'm so tired.
mentally, & physically.
and now, emotionally.
if I could, I would... suicide.

so lazy to think, so lazy to face anything.
but here I am, wit so many ppl I'm accountable to.
and what I have to do, is put on the "everything is fine, I'm just tired" face.

truth is,
I AM NOT OKAY.
VERY NOT OKAY.
I wanna go back to Melaka.
I wanna go hide in my own private room.

in KK, there's mum, then there's dad, then there's my sis...
and then there's my gang of Melaka frends here.
I can't even be vulnerable under my own skin.

lock it down Jo, lock it all down.
I can do this :)
Dear Daddy God, please help me through this.
Dear Jesus, I'm lost. I'm having so many self-doubts right now.
Please oh please, don't let this turn me into a person with even stronger barrier,
please don't let this change me into a bad person.
This world is just too harsh sometimes...

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ