#5/12/11- I could have died.

never again would I wanna experience that.
my heart could have stopped yesterday. literally.

after blogging my previous post, emotions went into an overdrive.
tried to chat with miy, and it got worse.
blasting praise & worship songs, I laid my head down on the table,
crying uncontrollably.
I was THAT scared. I was THAT desperate. I was THAT alone.

never in my life have I felt that way, because despite how sucky this world is,
I was never alone. There was always Jesus, there was always God..
and suddenly, I couldn't find Him.
I was being engulfed by an abyss of darkness.
I felt abandoned.

as I kept crying, I feel this tingling feeling in my joints,
my fingers and legs started to become numb..
Frankly, I thought it was a sign of healing? lol. "be gone Satan!" :P
anyway, my joints started to tighten and my hands were half paralysed,
my legs were next.

something was very wrong with me.
I was alone in my room. The lights were off. The music was on full blast.
The first thought was to get out of the room ASAP.
at least I would be seen.. what ever that is going to happen.

forcing my legs to get up from the chair, I couldn't walk properly, but I managed.
my hands were clenched, except for my index finger and thumb
(thank God, if not I couldn't open the door!)

Called out to Sulee (my hsemate) but she was in the toilet...
I couldn't take the pain, the panic. I needed to breathe.
So I lied down on the sofa, deep breaths.
Then I could feel some blood flowing into my palms. (good sign)
My world was spinning, my heart was pumping too fast.
yet the blood wasn't going to all parts of my body.
my legs, hands and head for example =.=

after awhile, Sulee came to my rescue :)
took care of me for awhile and helped me regain my normal breathing,
to ease the heart beat.
Thank God for her <33

She asked me how it happened..
Din really tell her hahaha... but later I asked her to pray over me :)
and I did tell her why I was feeling like that.
She said overdose of emoness can caused what happened to me...
So you all ahh, dont emo too much >.<


during the pray over, I felt His presence. His touch.
It's not something I can put into words. really.
It's just really.... magical...
You have no idea how comforting that felt.


so... the upside of this experience, I found Him.
finally...! after so many many days ^^
and... I always knew God is very important in my life..
but this experience made me realise how much MORE He is to me,
and I never ever ever ever want to lose sight of Him again.

after everything,
I went to sleep like a baby.
Woke up and sang some Christmas carols :)
my soul was there~ though maybe not yet entirely..
but well, baby steps, Jo... baby steps <3

** current songs in playlist:

Planet Shakers- Pick it Up.

"I was lost, now I'm found.
Put my feet on solid ground.
Now, I sing.. Cause I am free!"

Planet Shakers- Always & Forever

" Jesus, I will live for You
In everything I do
I'm holding onto You
Always! Always & Forever~

And when my world is falling down,

In You I will be found
I'm staying in Your arms today
Always! Always & Forever~"

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claustrophobic-ish

I'm stuck.
feels as if I'm being shut inside a room.
It's like I'm running in circles in a dark room.
All Alone.

I dunno why this is happening to me...
yet to figure out why I'm feeling like this.
I wanna go to church and just cry there.

just got back from carolling practice.
& I realised, I couldn't feel "Christmas" at all.
The hymns seem so empty, only shells.
Words and songs are meant to mean something, yet it was so unfamiliar.
My body was just singing. My soul... wasn't in it.


even when I realised all these,
I couldnt change anything.
I tried....

I pray & pray.
I talk to You...
But this time, I can't feel Your presence...
it feels just horrible to lose sight of You.
I'm scared... and lost... and I really feel empty inside.

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grrrr!

feeling super duper down! ):
I wanna go back Sabah! I WANNA I WANNA.
Lifeteen just invited me their anniversary & Christmas party.
which of course, I couldnt attend T.T

and and....
December many people coming back to KK wheyy...
no chance to meet them lor... I'll only be back like... in Feb 2012.
gosh...

but... as much as I wanna go back,
I cant possible ask to go back..
given the financial circumstances & the fact that my bro is here too...
if I go back, sure he wanna go back oso one =.=
grrr... life is so unfair de ohhh! wuwuwuwu....

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[302 房] 暗爽还满爽的。。哈哈

hangout with him ytdy :)
quite fun... quite boring.... lol.
let him do some 心理测验 and found some answers that made me 暗爽!
hahaha! ^^

but then again, 爽就只是这样的爽吧？
哈哈。。

很多事情其实很简单， 可是却又不能那么的简单。
不清楚该如何面对和处理。
不清楚到底自己想怎样。

或许今后未来会让人感到后悔， 不值。
可是现在的心情是有一点点的 “满足”。
嘻嘻。

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# libra

每一个朋友里，都有天秤用心对待的一部分，却不是全部。面具重重地盖在脸上，天秤小心翼翼地将自己的真心，分给朋友，不会只给一人。因为天秤承担不起背叛。如果把真心给一个人，承受的背叛，将是没顶之灾。

所以，真正陷入爱情的天秤，是悲哀的。爱上，就代表，把自己的弱点，都交予了一人。

未真爱上的天秤，眼泪是为朋友而流的。不会在朋友面前流，坚强、微笑地安慰着不幸的朋友，一直到朋友转身，背地而流。

君子之交淡如水。天秤对每个人的好，换来的是一些不懂天秤的不屑。当那些误以为自己只是点头之交的朋友，获得幸福的时候，有些人会忘记天秤给予的友谊。天秤只会在那些朋友的背后，淡淡微笑着祝福，就算那些朋友离开了，也不会责备。

天秤其实不是流连花从的花蝴蝶，只是一直在寻找落脚的归属，一个让他伤得太重时，容他砥伤的避风港。天秤不会将一切困难心事都向避风港哭诉，只是等着悲伤过后，才装作不满地样子，跟着挚爱撒娇，说着一些无关乎悲伤之事。

如果天秤找到了真爱，他同样不会在最爱的人面前哭泣。但是他的眼泪从此不再留给朋友，只为挚爱而流泪。

那些关乎友谊的悲哀，关乎爱情的伤，他会隐忍，直至最后不能承载，彻底信任你的时候，向你倾诉。

不要怪天秤的淡然。天秤只是为了保护自己太重。真爱你的时候，会慢慢向你畅开心怀，但是不要太急。

天秤的心灵就像是含羞草，慢慢绽开枝叶，受不得一点点惊吓，如果在未全开放之时，就伤害天秤的心，那天秤的心从此闭得更紧。

不要怪天秤不把心事告诉你。天秤的心事，自己承受，是为了不让挚爱担心，但是天秤的眼底，容易让挚爱看穿，那不要追问。只需要将天秤轻轻拥抱，就是最好的安慰与容纳。

天秤同样喜欢朋友，但是朋友给不了天秤，劳累的归属。如果你与天秤确定了关系，就成为他的避风港，不需要逼问，不需要强迫，只需天秤的悲哀，承担不起之时，给他一个避风港，就替他承担了所有的悲哀。

真爱天秤，就承担起属于天秤的悲哀。如果一味地埋怨他流连花从中，指责他，实属无辜。如果真这样，请你自问一下：你给天秤的安全感，够了吗？他的悲哀，你都能承担吗？

如果你无法容纳这样的天秤，无法承载关于天秤的悲哀，请你一定要坚决地回绝天秤，远离天秤，如果你宽容天秤，反而让一味自以为是对人好的天秤，更深地依赖你，当你实在承载不起这种悲哀之时，天秤受的伤，将会毁了整个天秤。

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> 72 hours

really miss my family :(
I miss KK.

Melaka in need of good chinese medicine doctors.

gosh. suffering so much from this back sprain.

my inerts like gonna burst.

anyway, the above is just a rant. venting...

real reason I'm here:

I'm getting used to not having you in my life?

good thing? haha. thou I still think abt u, but it doesnt hurt any more.

memories are good :)

here comes the 'BUT'...

am I really letting go? waiting for you to hold on?

feels like something is slipping out of my grasp...

but then it felt like I've held on to ntg before, so what's thr to slip out...?

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deception?

just a random post, suddenly thot of it.

been on my mind before but nvr rly had the chance to write it out.

For those who noe me, they would noe my ability to read people.

not to brag :P but I guess I'm quite good at that.

I just enjoy analysing behaviours, anticipating ppl's next move and such.

may make myself sound a bit psychotic here.. hehe..

well, frankly, I do it for fun? it's interesting...? :)

I've received comments or rather complains, abt "cheating on ppl's feelings"..

but rly, I meant no harm.

most probably the child inside me just wanted to come out and prank ppl ;)

but with these "skills", I tend to have the upper hand in manipulation, deceptions, lies...

It makes me feel "dirty" sometimes.

I led or induced another person to the result and answer that I wanted.

thou most of the time, I wouldnt do it but I could.

"izzit worth it?"

- yet another unanswered question in my all-so-complicated head.

furthermore, knowing how to manipulate means knowing how to counter-manipulate.

that's why I'm one of the hardest person to read..

I wan ppl to be able to read me but then I'm scared ppl are able to read.

the irony....

oh well, maybe deep down...

I'm just waiting for the right ppl who would put in enough effort to try to understand me :)

pfft to INSECURITIES.

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uncomfortable in my own skin

they say that psychological pain can cause physical pain.

true? I'm not sure :(

in 'the emo-phase' again.

self doubt? self-loathe? self-pity? I dunno what it is.

I'm just very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment.

spoke to my babehs and well, whatever I interpreted abt myself was true.

I wasn't thinking too much.

but I can't figure a way to deal with it.

at least not yet.

biggest question of the moment:

" WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO STRONG...? in front of others..."

why why why? I dunno!

maybe it was upbringing? maybe it's my nature?

I cant figure it out.

I cant pull down this defensive wall of letting ppl noe my weakness,

despite how much I wanted to.

this is weird and ironic.

normally, ppl complain abt being weak..?

and here I am, wondering how to be weaker?

perhaps, for me, being weak is being stronger.

hahaha, this is getting confusing.

anyway, like they said, "人总要学会软弱"

applicable to the current situation.

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untitled.

lolololol... i dun even rmb posting about the previous post.

tot i left those thots in my head :)
anyway, got into a lot of thinking and soul searching lately..?

guess so~

I have a complicated mind. and much more complicated behaviour?

sometimes, even I have a hard time understanding myself.

I've got so many thots running thru my mind,

that I grew tired of even TRYING to sort things out

and gradually, I chose to disregard those thots :)

what's the use of telling ppl so much anyway?

what's the use of burdening oneself with such thots anyway?

life is short, I shall live the best out of it :)

just for the record,

I'm doing good...! not much better, but GOOD. ^^

making new friends...! it helps~ hohohoho...

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sobs... );

Basically, it's like we're in a relationship but we're not.

我很累啊！

我很烦啊！

我不懂该怎么办好。

我明白你的感受，我明白你为什么会这样。

可是， 我也一样啊。

We're both taking the same risks.

We're both letting ourselves come out from our comfort zones.

--->
anyway, f*ck complications.

last time was uncertainty, now is just pure irritating complications...?

after making certain, as of now, I somehow feel worse.

GOSH. FML. F-emotions, FETM.

why la why..?
heartache.

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Astrology- Daily Forecast

		Your Birth Date: 09/30/1992

			Moon Sesquiquadrate Uranus
			Sep 25, 2011
			You may feel unable to hold yourself back from the urge to resist everything that comes your way, from others' statements and assertions to their demands and expectations of you. A bit of rebellion has entered your soul at this time and you are apt to react to things in a rather childish, impulsive manner. You may become angry with someone who meant you no offense; you might challenge someone about a subject on which they are an expert -- and which you know nothing about! This is the sort of time when you are likely to put your foot in your mouth, since there seems to be no filter between your impulses and your actions. Try not to treat others unfairly, especially those in your inner circle. If your lover seems put out or otherwise unhappy with you, examine your recent behavior; have you denied one of their needs simply for the feeling of resistance? Have you taken immediate offense to something they said, though they certainly didn't mean to offend you? If so, an apology is certainly in order. Doing something to release this energy constructively, such as taking a spontaneous road trip, may help get you through this time.

DAMN. It's like a love-hate relationship with astrology.
why so true one?! how can be so true one?! >_<

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Rants

To people who don't get puns, your life is just sad!

Wah... Bushuang ahh...
Someone said I sot Liao... Crazy edy..
Cz I share pun jokes.
Wthell man... Way to take out all the fun.
You're the one missing out on awesome humor shit
so don't make me sound like I'm sick.

I admit I stress exam la... No nid like tat say me guah...?!
Isssshhhhhhhhhh.....!!!!

Yerr...! Then fuyan me some more. Chase me away.
Wthell...! I dun wan share jokes with you liao. Damn man...
Angry ahhh...!!!!

I miss Alden... I miss Eric... :'(
They definitely would have enjoyed the jokes..!
I feel so under-preciated..!! Grrr....!
>:(

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#18/09/2011

late posting:/-

Every fucking time.

When I rly nid someone, just someone, anyone...
In those rare occasions when I feel really lost, scared, alone...
No one ever ever is there.

I rly dun understand. They talk about karma.

Well, as for the record, I was always always there for other people.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming anyone.
I just don't fucking understand why every fucking time, life just don't let me get to you ppl.

Texts, none replied.
Calls, none picked up.

Even when finally one of the texts was replied, after awhile no response ady.
After hrs, then comes an apology "smth came up"
The moment is then lost and the feeling sank deep down inside,
bottled and locked away.

What the fuck man...
and then ppl always wondered why I don't tell them things.
Aside from having MCS, life moulded me that way.
I want to tell ppl how I feel. I wan to express myself.

I am not that strong. I realised I cry a lot :'(
I am weak. But all these, I face alone. Every fucking time.

Self-soothe. All these years. I'm just so tired.
Faith, yes. But then again, I'm just human..

there's this need for communication with earthly ppl.

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#libra

天秤在乎一个人是默默的，表现的越不在乎就是越在乎... 比如说，天秤女在大街看见自己的BF和别的女孩手拉手。
她会微笑​，优雅的擦肩而过。让你觉得“你随便，我无所谓”。心里却疼不能​呼吸，其实她们不屑像泼妇和怨妇一样缠住你，怨你。.她们觉得那样就没有自尊了.

天秤独自一人的时候会迷茫拿着手机不知道做什么。天秤和不熟悉的人在一起很斯文不说话会给人很好的感觉但一熟悉起来你会发现秤子的单纯和没有长大的心、却又爱玩什么都敢尝试天秤懒的连下楼买早餐都嫌烦。房间永远乱乱的却给人舒适感。好好珍惜身边的天秤。只因他们太单纯

在天秤的心里，希望世界都是如童话般纯净，潜意识里不想去面对复杂的人际关系，可还是在努力的适应，有了委屈没有办法去诉说的时候，总是一个人偷偷哭过，擦干泪水装作若无其事，一个人哭，一个人委屈，一个人在变得坚强，一个人在适应生存环境。

天秤座在外人眼里一直是很优雅很完美人缘很广，其实在他们心里只有算的上朋友的人面前才会暴露他们神经质的脾气，也曾矛盾，也曾任性，也曾歇斯底里，也曾斤斤计较，也曾忽冷忽热，也曾唯恐天下不乱。见识过天秤座神经质的人应该庆幸，他至少不会在你面前伪
装。

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Back For Raya

Don't think I can take it anymore.

This trip back is horrible.

It's so suffering inside...

at home, mum and dad oways quarrel over the most trivial things.

dad aint much of a gentleman or a understanding husband.

mum is over-reactive, small gas and emotional.

bro is being a pain in the ass as usual, and seriously, the MCS is acting up again.

fuck it.

i really just wanna fuck it.

MCS is killing me at home... and my mum's assumptions of things.

GAWD. not to really complain, but it just pressures me A LOT.

you know the irony when parents ask u to slim down yet they stuff u with food?

well yeah. and this time back, i'm so busy with organizing the gatherings.

damn tiring. so i lose my appetite one way or another..

then my mum would always complain,

"ya la, my food don't reach yr standards la"

"see, always eat out la... my food tasteless liao lor..."
"i dun want to cook liao."

it's like 'waterparkkk' man~

so i end up eating so damn a lot, cz my bro n sis wouldnt eat!

gosh, I'm a crowd pleaser. that's why I'm suffocating.

In my heart, I just wanna get back to Melaka.

my freedom. my life. without all these external pressure closing in on me.

Miss my MFs damn a lot! )':

somehw, it's stressful hanging out with some of my frends here.

there's just that border... u noe?

cz I left last year...

and I just don't really fit in as much since obviously..

we don't share the same memories anymore rite?

it's painful in a way...

but it's okay :) because the part of me, from Melaka is awesome and I like it.

but yet again, I just cant seem to be that 'me' around my KK friends.

Maybe because I'm an adaptive person?

the craziness and humour point of my Melaka friends and KK are quite different.

maybe a bit mismatched.

but dont get me wrong, I still love my KK frends :)

perhaps I hang out with Melaka frends more lately...

really miss them. them and their fucking annoying-ness :D

i mentioned smth abt quitting drinking.

i really did consider that.

but coming back was so stressful (I rly dunno why it's getting on my nerve),

that I went all over the place looking for liquor. but of cz I din drink lar..

I'll save it for Melaka. there'll be 2 high parties to crash ;)
after that, maybe... hopefully, I will quit bah. hehe...

oh yea, less photos this time.

I dunno why I bothered to bring the camera.

it felt awkward and weird.. perhaps even a little distant.

i don't like it... or perhaps we're just growing up? is it?

haih, regretful, remorseful. that's what I feel after each gathering.

Gonna have a BFF day out with Karine 2mr.

It's be great :) It'll be the pinnacle of this holiday.

please oh please, Dear God...

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Spoke too soon!

urghhhh!!!!

bu shuang bu shuang bu shuang.

wo bu shuang.

wtf.

can't believe i let my guard down sia )':

screw you man -__-"

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just an update :) I know certain ppl read this.

so life's been busy and well, it's a good thing I dont write here often rite?

means I'm doing well ;) hehe..

degree life is hectic, chaotic... stressful.

they say the arch nemesis of lawyers is time.

damn true! exam forever nt enuf time >__<"

anyway, i'm shaking at the thot of finals.

so many to read and memorise, yet so little time and motivation.

enough of academics,

so yeah, feelings and emotions. hmm...

I'm feeling great :) and I'm happy.

My MFs are the cause of my happy yet suffering days.

They have been bullying me... it's getting unbearable. hahaha.. meh...?

I may turn out to miss it when they stop ):

hate psychology!

anyway, I realised my weakness lol. 'him'.

every time they use against me, I cant do anything!

or rather, thr's no point arguing or wad not.

it's 1 against 4.

talk abt stating the obvious rite? -___-"

aside from that, 'she' is still forever 'hilarious'.

I mean, I noe I'm bad ass for laughing. but 'she' is just too "amazing".

interested..? let me know... HAHAHA..

anyway, I'm going back to KK this Friday.

can't wait to meet my fam and beloved friends <3

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Alcohol?

haha, spend the whole day with him ytdy :)
dont think it really signified much bah ^^
the feel is like... hang out with best friend like that.

not bad oso ^^

anyway, had lots of alcohol ytdy! not THAT strong, but lots.

it was fun. I was high. HAHA.

awesome to feel high!

it's a time when I dont have to give a damn or a fuck abt anything or anyone.

the time when I can really really be myself <3

and not to say what, but I think I'm pretty awesome when I'm high :)

I can make ppl laugh, I can make myself laugh..

at any trivial stupid thing... ^^

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So...

i feel that the most important thing is being frank and honest.

not to everyone else, but to urself. at the very least :)

pain, suffering, past experiences help us to move on,

with our head held high.

Was talking to myself in my head jz now... hahaha.

I told myself that I don't like blueberry anymore.

but another thot hit me, and told me the exact opposite.

I'm okay really :)
we grow up each and every day.

I admit abt my feelings, but I feel that that actually helps me to get over it,

esp when that's for the best rite?

to hell with ego.

able to chat with him more lately :)

it's fun.. at least we're friends again haha.

and I feel that it's better to keep as being friends :D

I don't really mind what the girl do or say anymore.

Find it funny thou =)

I'm sorry i spread what you did, bt i couldnt help it :X

Jiayou to me! :) screw this 反反复复ness~ haha..
I think i'll be back soon @@

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Thots.

Hm, I WAS feeling better haha.. and still am compared to the last time i blogged.

anyway, yeah, for sure it's different liao.

din chat for abt 3 weeks ady?

I dunno if it's becz u noe I having exam and u prep-ing for yours or what...

but...

I hate it when so many things can remind me of you lol.

I bet few stuff remind you of me thou :O

Ah! Nid to focus FINALS ahh!

if it's not meant to be Lord,

pls help me get some closure so I can move on :)

but since no target, maybe I'll just stick around for a while more. hahaha.

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Break even.

The feeling you get when u feel that something is slipping off your fingers,

and you can do nothing to stop it or do anything to get it back.

maybe it's not what it seems to be, but well, I do feel very emo.

things dont seem to be the same.

but then again, who am I to analyse now?

esp when I'm in such a f*cked up state. lol.

What am i suppose to say when I'm all choked up but u're okay?

I'm falling to pieces.

No, when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even.

God, please help me, to focus on my finals that's round the corner.

tyvm.. at least distract me from this emo period :)

amen.

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你永远也看不见我最爱你的时候，

因为我只有在看不见你的时候，才最爱你。

同样，

你永远也看不见我最寂寞的时候，

因为我只有在你看不见我的时候，我才最寂寞。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

trust my own judgement.

when i asked this, "I dunno which to believe, your words or my judgement?"

my frends mostly agreed to trusting own judgement.

thanks for the heads up guys.

actually, I noe ady that i shud trust my own judgement.

but then, wishful thinking, just wanted to trust your words.

today, i did some stalking.. and yeah.. true enuf.

haih. I dunno what to do, what can I do.

really think we shouldnt contact each other for awhile?

best for both of us lol.

haiz, today is a happy day, yet it can be so depressing at the same time.

>.<

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不知该怎么办

哇塞！ 好久没来这儿写了!

好事还是坏事呢？

应该是好事。　证明我还挨得过去。

可是　今天却有一点点受不了。

其实，我已经知道你不是什么代替品。。

所以今天才会在写这一切吧。

怎么办？ 我不喜欢做中间人啊！

为什么每次都会这样呢？

haiyoo..

很明显的， 那女生就是也喜欢你嘛。

她却偏偏很像在骗自己酱。

她知道我也喜欢你， 然后她自己又很像不懂她喜欢你。

时常问我关于你的事。。 你对她怎样， 她又会跟我讲 =.=

然后又很伤心你那样对她 lol. 好笑的是，我还须安慰她呢。。

然后， 我有良心嘛。

就去跟你讲咯，其实应该只是想问个清楚吧？

可是，你却内疚噢。

还问我你应该跟她道歉吗？

不是叫我不知所措吗？

虽然你常说不喜欢她， 可是我又可以相信吗？

上次就已败于《相信》。

然后你到最后，　打电话给她。

我不懂啊！　

你是听我鼓励你去找她　还是出自于自己的心？

或许我有一点自私吧， 所以才会这么介意？

我承认我介意。

虽然没什么资格介意， 可是我现在很不爽啊！！

ｈａｉｙｏ!

救我啊！

我是普通人啊！

为什么你可以 call 她，却又忘了回我的信息？

想起来，pekcek 啦!

话说回来，

如果你真的不喜欢人家就不要忽冷忽热吧？

一时对人家好， 一时对人家不好。。

不是更残忍吗？

。。。

不懂啊。

讨厌。

你为什么要介绍她给我认识呢？

让我现在那么左右为难啊~

怎么办？

不要理了啦。

需要“调整自己”了。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

原来。。[2]

lmao.

原来你是代替品吗？

可是对之前的， 依然已经放下了。

这我可以肯定！

所以， 你算什么呢？

我现在很气！

很气我自己， 会让自己让你玩的团团转！

很气你可以 这么地残忍！

玩弄别人的感情。

你凭什么？

现在 面对的是自尊的问题吧。

暂时无法放过你。

你要玩对吧？

我丰沛到地！

玩人， 我经验比你多的呢！

CHIUUU

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

a short part of a story..

Now, I'm straining my last bit of strength to balance at the edge of a roof..

Looking down, I saw you. But your arms were crossed against your chest and in your eyes, I saw a familiar warmth and sparkle..Then, with a soft and gentle voice, you called out, "Come on down." Or rather, that's what I hoped to hear as I glimpsed the smile that followed.

Am I delusional? Why would you make me fall yet showed no intention of capturing me?

Just then, another dilemma begun within me. To put aside my pride and ego as I choose to fall, taking the risk that you'd catch me and embracing the chances of brokenness.. Or.. to hold onto a strand of so called dignity, just to place myself in a place,where you cant see me get hurt?

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天平不是因为寂寞才会爱上一个人，天平是因为爱上一个人才寂寞！

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

希望有一天，可以说 “曾经”。

人呢。。

就是怕受伤害，所以会想尽办法自我保护。

其中的法子，也就是不说出自己真正的感受。

我也不例外啊。

所以在这边，我将鼓起勇气，诚实地…坦白地…　说出来。

"我喜欢你。"

其实这句话，从以前到今天可以对好几个人说的。

可惜的是，错过了机会，不然就是后悔没勇气吧。

因为害怕被拒绝，因为没有人踏出第一步。。

就这样，这句话永远掩藏在心底，这样浪费了。

对一些人，或许我的感情是单方面的。

可是对另一些人，　我反而觉得　“不对呀。应该是彼此都喜欢吧。”

不知道从何时开始，　你开始对我冷淡了。

渐渐的，　我们也很少联络了。

这几个星期，我过得不错，

繁忙的生活让我不去想你，

不去介意你不再是我每天一定要沟通的人。

我承认，是我选择逃避。

是我选择让时间冲淡一切。

让忙碌让我过得好一点。

可是，我不觉的这完全是我的错。

如果，你可以不要常常忽冷忽热，

不要动不动就不理不睬的。

或许，就不会这样了。

你可能不能理解，每天发短讯而每封都不被回答几天的心情。

你让我觉得自己很多余，很像常常烦着你似的，这你知道吗？

选择逃避，就是自护。

这几个星期，让我觉得不再喜欢你。

可以当作从来没有喜欢过你。

可是，我错了。

刚刚发现你好像有了GF，那一刹呐，心很痛。

比我想象的还要痛几白倍。

说真的，我还喜欢你吗？　

我也不清楚。

心痛是因为你找到了归属，可是却不是我吗？

还是因为，你都没告诉我呢？

怎么说，我应该也当得上一个最要好的朋友吧？

暂时性的解药：

只希望，在遥远的将来。。

当我们谈起往事时，

有机会对彼此说，　“我曾经喜欢过你。”

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

我的问题。

很多人， 睡着了 就很难睡回去，

可是 我面对的问题 不在于睡回去，

而是 开始睡眠啊。

要怎么克服呢？

很 痛苦啊。

每天 需要躺在床上好几个小时才可以睡！

躺在床上的时候， 不知不觉地。。

就会想起很多事情， 反省很多东西。

在白天 或许忙过头了， 就从来不会去想这些。。

难道， 忙碌又是错的吗？

我也不清楚， 我到底是在逃避吗?

自我麻木？Haih.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ