#5/12/11- I could have died.

never again would I wanna experience that.
my heart could have stopped yesterday. literally.

after blogging my previous post, emotions went into an overdrive.
tried to chat with miy, and it got worse.
blasting praise & worship songs, I laid my head down on the table,
crying uncontrollably.
I was THAT scared. I was THAT desperate. I was THAT alone.

never in my life have I felt that way, because despite how sucky this world is,
I was never alone. There was always Jesus, there was always God..
and suddenly, I couldn't find Him.
I was being engulfed by an abyss of darkness.
I felt abandoned.

as I kept crying, I feel this tingling feeling in my joints,
my fingers and legs started to become numb..
Frankly, I thought it was a sign of healing? lol. "be gone Satan!" :P
anyway, my joints started to tighten and my hands were half paralysed,
my legs were next.

something was very wrong with me.
I was alone in my room. The lights were off. The music was on full blast.
The first thought was to get out of the room ASAP.
at least I would be seen.. what ever that is going to happen.

forcing my legs to get up from the chair, I couldn't walk properly, but I managed.
my hands were clenched, except for my index finger and thumb
(thank God, if not I couldn't open the door!)

Called out to Sulee (my hsemate) but she was in the toilet...
I couldn't take the pain, the panic. I needed to breathe.
So I lied down on the sofa, deep breaths.
Then I could feel some blood flowing into my palms. (good sign)
My world was spinning, my heart was pumping too fast.
yet the blood wasn't going to all parts of my body.
my legs, hands and head for example =.=

after awhile, Sulee came to my rescue :)
took care of me for awhile and helped me regain my normal breathing,
to ease the heart beat.
Thank God for her <33

She asked me how it happened..
Din really tell her hahaha... but later I asked her to pray over me :)
and I did tell her why I was feeling like that.
She said overdose of emoness can caused what happened to me...
So you all ahh, dont emo too much >.<


during the pray over, I felt His presence. His touch.
It's not something I can put into words. really.
It's just really.... magical...
You have no idea how comforting that felt.


so... the upside of this experience, I found Him.
finally...! after so many many days ^^
and... I always knew God is very important in my life..
but this experience made me realise how much MORE He is to me,
and I never ever ever ever want to lose sight of Him again.

after everything,
I went to sleep like a baby.
Woke up and sang some Christmas carols :)
my soul was there~ though maybe not yet entirely..
but well, baby steps, Jo... baby steps <3

** current songs in playlist:

Planet Shakers- Pick it Up.

"I was lost, now I'm found.
Put my feet on solid ground.
Now, I sing.. Cause I am free!"

Planet Shakers- Always & Forever

" Jesus, I will live for You
In everything I do
I'm holding onto You
Always! Always & Forever~

And when my world is falling down,

In You I will be found
I'm staying in Your arms today
Always! Always & Forever~"

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

claustrophobic-ish

I'm stuck.
feels as if I'm being shut inside a room.
It's like I'm running in circles in a dark room.
All Alone.

I dunno why this is happening to me...
yet to figure out why I'm feeling like this.
I wanna go to church and just cry there.

just got back from carolling practice.
& I realised, I couldn't feel "Christmas" at all.
The hymns seem so empty, only shells.
Words and songs are meant to mean something, yet it was so unfamiliar.
My body was just singing. My soul... wasn't in it.


even when I realised all these,
I couldnt change anything.
I tried....

I pray & pray.
I talk to You...
But this time, I can't feel Your presence...
it feels just horrible to lose sight of You.
I'm scared... and lost... and I really feel empty inside.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ