我回来了！

哈咯~
心情要是跟上一回比比， 好了很多很多 :)

我发现只要不是一个人，就不会胡思乱想了 :) hehe...
也发现其实我很需要和一个人保持沟通才会有‘安全感’。
看人，我不输人~
所以当我没有任何‘东西’ 还是 ‘线索’ 什么的。。
会觉得非常不自在， 因为任何事情都可以发生，任何人都可以改变主意。。
^算是我对自己的分析吧。

新年时还不错吧~
聊得满开心的，很舒服。

我觉得自己很好笑~ lol.
聊着聊着，突然觉得其实就只是很要好很要好的朋友罢了。
很奇怪吧？ hmm...

哈哈。 其实我也不确定啦，
有时候反觉得，
我自己言行上的犹豫不定和混不清也不输他。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

sign of depression

O.O
for the past few weeks, I've been forgetting to breathe at times LOL...
only a few days ago I realised it was depression settling in.
ahhhhh.... got better ady after meeting with my family :)
but I still din get to tell mummy about what happened.
Told baby sis thou... >.<
mum's too busy, no good timing desu~
how? praying for the best, that things will be settled soon enough.
before she finds out.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

也只有这样了

有时候真的很恨你， 但我更恨我自己走不出这种悲痛。


心真的很痛。
近来常常会有时候， 突然眼泪就莫名地掉了下来。


脑呀脑， 可以请你不要一直胡思乱想吗？
情绪啊情绪， 可以请你不要一直变来变去吗？
很辛苦。。 真的快受不了了。
原来我也和一般人一样， 那么地脆弱。


每一个人所经历的，
不一定是一样的难受，不一定是一样的幸福。
我不会要求任何人完全理解我心里所承担的一切，
因为要了解我， 真的不容易吧 :)
我自己都在理解自己的当中。


可以说我不后悔吗？
答案是我一定可以。
可是， 我真的很不喜欢自己无法控制对你的期待，
一次又一次的失望， 甚至真的要放弃了。。
但我更讨厌自己， 这么容易地让你把下定了的心摧毁。
根本没有动摇， 而是完完全全的没了。
觉得自己很没用。怎么可以这样？！


希望可以快点找到让我开心一点的事儿。
希望新年终于见到家人时，可以暂时把一切的悲痛都忘了。
爸爸，妈妈，珊珊~ 真的真的真的很想你们！



❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

a small confession

I'm in a lot of pain.
self-induced? I have no idea.
Not everything is the way that it seems.

it's not that I don't look for people to get help.
it's just always bad timing.
I've got this very big thing to tell mum.
I have to.
But I really am not ready.
I noe it's my fault.
I noe it was stupid.
I noe how she would react.
I noe I am hoping that she wouldn't react that way.
what I dunno is if I can take her reaction.
whichever it may turn out to be..
be it anger, when words can hurt A LOT...
be it understanding, when those feeling of relief and guilt sets in...

I really dunno how to face her.
All I can do now is hide?
but the fear is eating me up from inside.
God, I'm truly sorry, so please just answer my prayer & help me through this.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

I'm damaged.

finally got the time to blog. wanted to blog ytdy and this morning but really no time.
just finished my tutorials :)

anyway, went to church ytdy and it was one of the rare occasions that I paid 100% attention.
it was good.
the bible readings helped me realised things.
the sermon by the priest pierced through me.

That mass is the first time ever in my life that I sobbed and cried for almost an hour.
I couldn't control my tears.
The songs, the prayers, the words, the tunes.
Everything was inducing my tears to flow.
Those were tears of guilt, of pain, of suffocation, of pressure, of fear... of healing....
I held back a lot, it would have been very very ugly to cry out loud.
All I could do was bite my lips to stop any sound from coming out.

When I started to tremble from pressuring down the overwhelming pangs of feelings,
only then I realized how much pain I was in...
only then I realized how much fear I had in myself...
only then I realized how damaged I was...
"I need help."

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

everyone is a hypocrite.

don't deny it.

---

sometimes, I feel that I disgust myself.
as of now, I dun even noe what principles I hold in life.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

note to self?

certain people told me this:
"you don't need to please everyone"

I know I don't need to.
But certain people, I choose to.
Some for positive reasons,
others for selfish reasons... (dun wan to entertain displeased ppl)

Then again, some ppl told me this too:
"would they do the same for you?"

This I highly doubt.

----

While you were asking me to cover ur ass every time, and I so do,
does not mean that I can be bossed around or that you can take me for granted..
It just meant that I had something else to protect from you.

---

why are you doing this to me?
why am I letting you do this to me?
I'm in a ditch now and I can't and don't have the time to sort out my damn thots.
God Bless Me ):

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

stressed aku.

it's so fucking miserable to be caught in between things.
friends for one.
and I really am... just... tired.

part of me wants the truth.
then the other part of me can't bear to tell tat truth (protecting certain people, I guess).
so lies. lies and lies.
never thought lying can be THIS tiring.

I feel taken for granted.
I feel stressed.
I feel so many things.
I dunno what to feel anymore.
I dunno what to express anymore.

perhaps, this 'game' is indeed too much for me?
my studies is a pain in the ass,
and I am really really losing out on the energy to continue playing.

if I quit, I need to explain. which is damn tiring as well...
if I continue, I need to continue with this 'front'.
goodness, I swear I was gonna cry just now.
FML.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ß꧆ öµ† ö£ ï† ツ