不想告人的。。

我回来了！

2012-01-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

哈咯~
心情要是跟上一回比比，好了很多很多 :)

我发现只要不是一个人，就不会胡思乱想了 :) hehe...
也发现其实我很需要和一个人保持沟通才会有‘安全感’。
看人，我不输人~
所以当我没有任何‘东西’ 还是 ‘线索’ 什么的。。
会觉得非常不自在，因为任何事情都可以发生，任何人都可以改变主意。。
^算是我对自己的分析吧。

新年时还不错吧~
聊得满开心的，很舒服。

我觉得自己很好笑~ lol.
聊着聊着，突然觉得其实就只是很要好很要好的朋友罢了。
很奇怪吧？ hmm...

哈哈。其实我也不确定啦，
有时候反觉得，
我自己言行上的犹豫不定和混不清也不输他。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

sign of depression

2012-01-29T23:35:00.000+08:00

O.O
for the past few weeks, I've been forgetting to breathe at times LOL...
only a few days ago I realised it was depression settling in.
ahhhhh.... got better ady after meeting with my family :)
but I still din get to tell mummy about what happened.
Told baby sis thou... >.<
mum's too busy, no good timing desu~
how? praying for the best, that things will be settled soon enough.
before she finds out.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

也只有这样了

2012-01-20T00:43:00.004+08:00

有时候真的很恨你，但我更恨我自己走不出这种悲痛。

心真的很痛。
近来常常会有时候，突然眼泪就莫名地掉了下来。

脑呀脑，可以请你不要一直胡思乱想吗？
情绪啊情绪，可以请你不要一直变来变去吗？
很辛苦。。真的快受不了了。
原来我也和一般人一样，那么地脆弱。

每一个人所经历的，
不一定是一样的难受，不一定是一样的幸福。
我不会要求任何人完全理解我心里所承担的一切，
因为要了解我，真的不容易吧 :)
我自己都在理解自己的当中。

可以说我不后悔吗？
答案是我一定可以。
可是，我真的很不喜欢自己无法控制对你的期待，
一次又一次的失望，甚至真的要放弃了。。
但我更讨厌自己，这么容易地让你把下定了的心摧毁。
根本没有动摇，而是完完全全的没了。
觉得自己很没用。怎么可以这样？！

希望可以快点找到让我开心一点的事儿。
希望新年终于见到家人时，可以暂时把一切的悲痛都忘了。
爸爸，妈妈，珊珊~ 真的真的真的很想你们！

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a small confession

2012-01-16T01:23:00.001+08:00

I'm in a lot of pain.
self-induced? I have no idea.
Not everything is the way that it seems.

it's not that I don't look for people to get help.
it's just always bad timing.
I've got this very big thing to tell mum.
I have to.
But I really am not ready.
I noe it's my fault.
I noe it was stupid.
I noe how she would react.
I noe I am hoping that she wouldn't react that way.
what I dunno is if I can take her reaction.
whichever it may turn out to be..
be it anger, when words can hurt A LOT...
be it understanding, when those feeling of relief and guilt sets in...

I really dunno how to face her.
All I can do now is hide?
but the fear is eating me up from inside.
God, I'm truly sorry, so please just answer my prayer & help me through this.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

I'm damaged.

2012-01-16T00:12:00.000+08:00

finally got the time to blog. wanted to blog ytdy and this morning but really no time.
just finished my tutorials :)

anyway, went to church ytdy and it was one of the rare occasions that I paid 100% attention.
it was good.
the bible readings helped me realised things.
the sermon by the priest pierced through me.

That mass is the first time ever in my life that I sobbed and cried for almost an hour.
I couldn't control my tears.
The songs, the prayers, the words, the tunes.
Everything was inducing my tears to flow.
Those were tears of guilt, of pain, of suffocation, of pressure, of fear... of healing....
I held back a lot, it would have been very very ugly to cry out loud.
All I could do was bite my lips to stop any sound from coming out.

When I started to tremble from pressuring down the overwhelming pangs of feelings,
only then I realized how much pain I was in...
only then I realized how much fear I had in myself...
only then I realized how damaged I was...
"I need help."

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

everyone is a hypocrite.

2012-01-13T19:22:00.003+08:00

don't deny it.

---

sometimes, I feel that I disgust myself.
as of now, I dun even noe what principles I hold in life.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

note to self?

2012-01-13T19:13:00.001+08:00

certain people told me this:
"you don't need to please everyone"

I know I don't need to.
But certain people, I choose to.
Some for positive reasons,
others for selfish reasons... (dun wan to entertain displeased ppl)

Then again, some ppl told me this too:
"would they do the same for you?"

This I highly doubt.

----

While you were asking me to cover ur ass every time, and I so do,
does not mean that I can be bossed around or that you can take me for granted..
It just meant that I had something else to protect from you.

---

why are you doing this to me?
why am I letting you do this to me?
I'm in a ditch now and I can't and don't have the time to sort out my damn thots.
God Bless Me ):

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

stressed aku.

2012-01-13T19:06:00.000+08:00

it's so fucking miserable to be caught in between things.
friends for one.
and I really am... just... tired.

part of me wants the truth.
then the other part of me can't bear to tell tat truth (protecting certain people, I guess).
so lies. lies and lies.
never thought lying can be THIS tiring.

I feel taken for granted.
I feel stressed.
I feel so many things.
I dunno what to feel anymore.
I dunno what to express anymore.

perhaps, this 'game' is indeed too much for me?
my studies is a pain in the ass,
and I am really really losing out on the energy to continue playing.

if I quit, I need to explain. which is damn tiring as well...
if I continue, I need to continue with this 'front'.
goodness, I swear I was gonna cry just now.
FML.

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#5/12/11- I could have died.

2011-12-06T12:36:00.001+08:00

never again would I wanna experience that.
my heart could have stopped yesterday. literally.

after blogging my previous post, emotions went into an overdrive.
tried to chat with miy, and it got worse.
blasting praise & worship songs, I laid my head down on the table,
crying uncontrollably.
I was THAT scared. I was THAT desperate. I was THAT alone.

never in my life have I felt that way, because despite how sucky this world is,
I was never alone. There was always Jesus, there was always God..
and suddenly, I couldn't find Him.
I was being engulfed by an abyss of darkness.
I felt abandoned.

as I kept crying, I feel this tingling feeling in my joints,
my fingers and legs started to become numb..
Frankly, I thought it was a sign of healing? lol. "be gone Satan!" :P
anyway, my joints started to tighten and my hands were half paralysed,
my legs were next.

something was very wrong with me.
I was alone in my room. The lights were off. The music was on full blast.
The first thought was to get out of the room ASAP.
at least I would be seen.. what ever that is going to happen.

forcing my legs to get up from the chair, I couldn't walk properly, but I managed.
my hands were clenched, except for my index finger and thumb
(thank God, if not I couldn't open the door!)

Called out to Sulee (my hsemate) but she was in the toilet...
I couldn't take the pain, the panic. I needed to breathe.
So I lied down on the sofa, deep breaths.
Then I could feel some blood flowing into my palms. (good sign)
My world was spinning, my heart was pumping too fast.
yet the blood wasn't going to all parts of my body.
my legs, hands and head for example =.=

after awhile, Sulee came to my rescue :)
took care of me for awhile and helped me regain my normal breathing,
to ease the heart beat.
Thank God for her <33

She asked me how it happened..
Din really tell her hahaha... but later I asked her to pray over me :)
and I did tell her why I was feeling like that.
She said overdose of emoness can caused what happened to me...
So you all ahh, dont emo too much >.<

during the pray over, I felt His presence. His touch.
It's not something I can put into words. really.
It's just really.... magical...
You have no idea how comforting that felt.

so... the upside of this experience, I found Him.
finally...! after so many many days ^^
and... I always knew God is very important in my life..
but this experience made me realise how much MORE He is to me,
and I never ever ever ever want to lose sight of Him again.

after everything,
I went to sleep like a baby.
Woke up and sang some Christmas carols :)
my soul was there~ though maybe not yet entirely..
but well, baby steps, Jo... baby steps <3

** current songs in playlist:

Planet Shakers- Pick it Up.

"I was lost, now I'm found.
Put my feet on solid ground.
Now, I sing.. Cause I am free!"

Planet Shakers- Always & Forever

" Jesus, I will live for You
In everything I do
I'm holding onto You
Always! Always & Forever~

And when my world is falling down,

In You I will be found
I'm staying in Your arms today
Always! Always & Forever~"

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claustrophobic-ish

2011-12-05T22:36:00.001+08:00

I'm stuck.
feels as if I'm being shut inside a room.
It's like I'm running in circles in a dark room.
All Alone.

I dunno why this is happening to me...
yet to figure out why I'm feeling like this.
I wanna go to church and just cry there.

just got back from carolling practice.
& I realised, I couldn't feel "Christmas" at all.
The hymns seem so empty, only shells.
Words and songs are meant to mean something, yet it was so unfamiliar.
My body was just singing. My soul... wasn't in it.

even when I realised all these,
I couldnt change anything.
I tried....

I pray & pray.
I talk to You...
But this time, I can't feel Your presence...
it feels just horrible to lose sight of You.
I'm scared... and lost... and I really feel empty inside.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

grrrr!

2011-11-24T16:32:00.001+08:00

feeling super duper down! ):
I wanna go back Sabah! I WANNA I WANNA.
Lifeteen just invited me their anniversary & Christmas party.
which of course, I couldnt attend T.T

and and....
December many people coming back to KK wheyy...
no chance to meet them lor... I'll only be back like... in Feb 2012.
gosh...

but... as much as I wanna go back,
I cant possible ask to go back..
given the financial circumstances & the fact that my bro is here too...
if I go back, sure he wanna go back oso one =.=
grrr... life is so unfair de ohhh! wuwuwuwu....

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

[302 房] 暗爽还满爽的。。哈哈

2011-11-20T23:39:00.001+08:00

hangout with him ytdy :)
quite fun... quite boring.... lol.
let him do some 心理测验 and found some answers that made me 暗爽!
hahaha! ^^

but then again, 爽就只是这样的爽吧？
哈哈。。

很多事情其实很简单，可是却又不能那么的简单。
不清楚该如何面对和处理。
不清楚到底自己想怎样。

或许今后未来会让人感到后悔，不值。
可是现在的心情是有一点点的 “满足”。
嘻嘻。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

# libra

2011-11-12T18:16:00.003+08:00

每一个朋友里，都有天秤用心对待的一部分，却不是全部。面具重重地盖在脸上，天秤小心翼翼地将自己的真心，分给朋友，不会只给一人。因为天秤承担不起背叛。如果把真心给一个人，承受的背叛，将是没顶之灾。

所以，真正陷入爱情的天秤，是悲哀的。爱上，就代表，把自己的弱点，都交予了一人。

未真爱上的天秤，眼泪是为朋友而流的。不会在朋友面前流，坚强、微笑地安慰着不幸的朋友，一直到朋友转身，背地而流。

君子之交淡如水。天秤对每个人的好，换来的是一些不懂天秤的不屑。当那些误以为自己只是点头之交的朋友，获得幸福的时候，有些人会忘记天秤给予的友谊。天秤只会在那些朋友的背后，淡淡微笑着祝福，就算那些朋友离开了，也不会责备。

天秤其实不是流连花从的花蝴蝶，只是一直在寻找落脚的归属，一个让他伤得太重时，容他砥伤的避风港。天秤不会将一切困难心事都向避风港哭诉，只是等着悲伤过后，才装作不满地样子，跟着挚爱撒娇，说着一些无关乎悲伤之事。

如果天秤找到了真爱，他同样不会在最爱的人面前哭泣。但是他的眼泪从此不再留给朋友，只为挚爱而流泪。

那些关乎友谊的悲哀，关乎爱情的伤，他会隐忍，直至最后不能承载，彻底信任你的时候，向你倾诉。

不要怪天秤的淡然。天秤只是为了保护自己太重。真爱你的时候，会慢慢向你畅开心怀，但是不要太急。

天秤的心灵就像是含羞草，慢慢绽开枝叶，受不得一点点惊吓，如果在未全开放之时，就伤害天秤的心，那天秤的心从此闭得更紧。

不要怪天秤不把心事告诉你。天秤的心事，自己承受，是为了不让挚爱担心，但是天秤的眼底，容易让挚爱看穿，那不要追问。只需要将天秤轻轻拥抱，就是最好的安慰与容纳。

天秤同样喜欢朋友，但是朋友给不了天秤，劳累的归属。如果你与天秤确定了关系，就成为他的避风港，不需要逼问，不需要强迫，只需天秤的悲哀，承担不起之时，给他一个避风港，就替他承担了所有的悲哀。

真爱天秤，就承担起属于天秤的悲哀。如果一味地埋怨他流连花从中，指责他，实属无辜。如果真这样，请你自问一下：你给天秤的安全感，够了吗？他的悲哀，你都能承担吗？

如果你无法容纳这样的天秤，无法承载关于天秤的悲哀，请你一定要坚决地回绝天秤，远离天秤，如果你宽容天秤，反而让一味自以为是对人好的天秤，更深地依赖你，当你实在承载不起这种悲哀之时，天秤受的伤，将会毁了整个天秤。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

> 72 hours

2011-11-09T23:23:00.002+08:00

really miss my family :(
I miss KK.

Melaka in need of good chinese medicine doctors.

gosh. suffering so much from this back sprain.

my inerts like gonna burst.

anyway, the above is just a rant. venting...

real reason I'm here:

I'm getting used to not having you in my life?

good thing? haha. thou I still think abt u, but it doesnt hurt any more.

memories are good :)

here comes the 'BUT'...

am I really letting go? waiting for you to hold on?

feels like something is slipping out of my grasp...

but then it felt like I've held on to ntg before, so what's thr to slip out...?

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

deception?

2011-11-08T12:04:00.003+08:00

just a random post, suddenly thot of it.

been on my mind before but nvr rly had the chance to write it out.

For those who noe me, they would noe my ability to read people.

not to brag :P but I guess I'm quite good at that.

I just enjoy analysing behaviours, anticipating ppl's next move and such.

may make myself sound a bit psychotic here.. hehe..

well, frankly, I do it for fun? it's interesting...? :)

I've received comments or rather complains, abt "cheating on ppl's feelings"..

but rly, I meant no harm.

most probably the child inside me just wanted to come out and prank ppl ;)

but with these "skills", I tend to have the upper hand in manipulation, deceptions, lies...

It makes me feel "dirty" sometimes.

I led or induced another person to the result and answer that I wanted.

thou most of the time, I wouldnt do it but I could.

"izzit worth it?"

- yet another unanswered question in my all-so-complicated head.

furthermore, knowing how to manipulate means knowing how to counter-manipulate.

that's why I'm one of the hardest person to read..

I wan ppl to be able to read me but then I'm scared ppl are able to read.

the irony....

oh well, maybe deep down...

I'm just waiting for the right ppl who would put in enough effort to try to understand me :)

pfft to INSECURITIES.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

uncomfortable in my own skin

2011-11-08T10:21:00.002+08:00

they say that psychological pain can cause physical pain.

true? I'm not sure :(

in 'the emo-phase' again.

self doubt? self-loathe? self-pity? I dunno what it is.

I'm just very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment.

spoke to my babehs and well, whatever I interpreted abt myself was true.

I wasn't thinking too much.

but I can't figure a way to deal with it.

at least not yet.

biggest question of the moment:

" WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO STRONG...? in front of others..."

why why why? I dunno!

maybe it was upbringing? maybe it's my nature?

I cant figure it out.

I cant pull down this defensive wall of letting ppl noe my weakness,

despite how much I wanted to.

this is weird and ironic.

normally, ppl complain abt being weak..?

and here I am, wondering how to be weaker?

perhaps, for me, being weak is being stronger.

hahaha, this is getting confusing.

anyway, like they said, "人总要学会软弱"

applicable to the current situation.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

untitled.

2011-10-26T17:57:00.002+08:00

lolololol... i dun even rmb posting about the previous post.

tot i left those thots in my head :)
anyway, got into a lot of thinking and soul searching lately..?

guess so~

I have a complicated mind. and much more complicated behaviour?

sometimes, even I have a hard time understanding myself.

I've got so many thots running thru my mind,

that I grew tired of even TRYING to sort things out

and gradually, I chose to disregard those thots :)

what's the use of telling ppl so much anyway?

what's the use of burdening oneself with such thots anyway?

life is short, I shall live the best out of it :)

just for the record,

I'm doing good...! not much better, but GOOD. ^^

making new friends...! it helps~ hohohoho...

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

sobs... );

2011-10-02T23:56:00.002+08:00

Basically, it's like we're in a relationship but we're not.

我很累啊！

我很烦啊！

我不懂该怎么办好。

我明白你的感受，我明白你为什么会这样。

可是，我也一样啊。

We're both taking the same risks.

We're both letting ourselves come out from our comfort zones.

--->
anyway, f*ck complications.

last time was uncertainty, now is just pure irritating complications...?

after making certain, as of now, I somehow feel worse.

GOSH. FML. F-emotions, FETM.

why la why..?
heartache.

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Astrology- Daily Forecast

2011-09-25T21:22:00.002+08:00


		Your Birth Date: 09/30/1992


			Moon Sesquiquadrate Uranus
			Sep 25, 2011


			You may feel unable to hold yourself back from the urge to resist everything that comes your way, from others' statements and assertions to their demands and expectations of you. A bit of rebellion has entered your soul at this time and you are apt to react to things in a rather childish, impulsive manner. You may become angry with someone who meant you no offense; you might challenge someone about a subject on which they are an expert -- and which you know nothing about! This is the sort of time when you are likely to put your foot in your mouth, since there seems to be no filter between your impulses and your actions. Try not to treat others unfairly, especially those in your inner circle. If your lover seems put out or otherwise unhappy with you, examine your recent behavior; have you denied one of their needs simply for the feeling of resistance? Have you taken immediate offense to something they said, though they certainly didn't mean to offend you? If so, an apology is certainly in order. Doing something to release this energy constructively, such as taking a spontaneous road trip, may help get you through this time.

DAMN. It's like a love-hate relationship with astrology.
why so true one?! how can be so true one?! >_<

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Rants

2011-09-25T20:37:00.005+08:00

To people who don't get puns, your life is just sad!

Wah... Bushuang ahh...
Someone said I sot Liao... Crazy edy..
Cz I share pun jokes.
Wthell man... Way to take out all the fun.
You're the one missing out on awesome humor shit
so don't make me sound like I'm sick.

I admit I stress exam la... No nid like tat say me guah...?!
Isssshhhhhhhhhh.....!!!!

Yerr...! Then fuyan me some more. Chase me away.
Wthell...! I dun wan share jokes with you liao. Damn man...
Angry ahhh...!!!!

I miss Alden... I miss Eric... :'(
They definitely would have enjoyed the jokes..!
I feel so under-preciated..!! Grrr....!
>:(

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#18/09/2011

2011-09-21T12:55:00.002+08:00

late posting:/-

Every fucking time.

When I rly nid someone, just someone, anyone...
In those rare occasions when I feel really lost, scared, alone...
No one ever ever is there.

I rly dun understand. They talk about karma.

Well, as for the record, I was always always there for other people.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming anyone.
I just don't fucking understand why every fucking time, life just don't let me get to you ppl.

Texts, none replied.
Calls, none picked up.

Even when finally one of the texts was replied, after awhile no response ady.
After hrs, then comes an apology "smth came up"
The moment is then lost and the feeling sank deep down inside,
bottled and locked away.

What the fuck man...
and then ppl always wondered why I don't tell them things.
Aside from having MCS, life moulded me that way.
I want to tell ppl how I feel. I wan to express myself.

I am not that strong. I realised I cry a lot :'(
I am weak. But all these, I face alone. Every fucking time.

Self-soothe. All these years. I'm just so tired.
Faith, yes. But then again, I'm just human..

there's this need for communication with earthly ppl.

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#libra

2011-09-10T13:33:00.002+08:00

天秤在乎一个人是默默的，表现的越不在乎就是越在乎... 比如说，天秤女在大街看见自己的BF和别的女孩手拉手。
她会微笑，优雅的擦肩而过。让你觉得“你随便，我无所谓”。心里却疼不能呼吸，其实她们不屑像泼妇和怨妇一样缠住你，怨你。.她们觉得那样就没有自尊了.

天秤独自一人的时候会迷茫拿着手机不知道做什么。天秤和不熟悉的人在一起很斯文不说话会给人很好的感觉但一熟悉起来你会发现秤子的单纯和没有长大的心、却又爱玩什么都敢尝试天秤懒的连下楼买早餐都嫌烦。房间永远乱乱的却给人舒适感。好好珍惜身边的天秤。只因他们太单纯

在天秤的心里，希望世界都是如童话般纯净，潜意识里不想去面对复杂的人际关系，可还是在努力的适应，有了委屈没有办法去诉说的时候，总是一个人偷偷哭过，擦干泪水装作若无其事，一个人哭，一个人委屈，一个人在变得坚强，一个人在适应生存环境。

天秤座在外人眼里一直是很优雅很完美人缘很广，其实在他们心里只有算的上朋友的人面前才会暴露他们神经质的脾气，也曾矛盾，也曾任性，也曾歇斯底里，也曾斤斤计较，也曾忽冷忽热，也曾唯恐天下不乱。见识过天秤座神经质的人应该庆幸，他至少不会在你面前伪
装。

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Back For Raya

2011-09-02T17:56:00.002+08:00

Don't think I can take it anymore.

This trip back is horrible.

It's so suffering inside...

at home, mum and dad oways quarrel over the most trivial things.

dad aint much of a gentleman or a understanding husband.

mum is over-reactive, small gas and emotional.

bro is being a pain in the ass as usual, and seriously, the MCS is acting up again.

fuck it.

i really just wanna fuck it.

MCS is killing me at home... and my mum's assumptions of things.

GAWD. not to really complain, but it just pressures me A LOT.

you know the irony when parents ask u to slim down yet they stuff u with food?

well yeah. and this time back, i'm so busy with organizing the gatherings.

damn tiring. so i lose my appetite one way or another..

then my mum would always complain,

"ya la, my food don't reach yr standards la"

"see, always eat out la... my food tasteless liao lor..."
"i dun want to cook liao."

it's like 'waterparkkk' man~

so i end up eating so damn a lot, cz my bro n sis wouldnt eat!

gosh, I'm a crowd pleaser. that's why I'm suffocating.

In my heart, I just wanna get back to Melaka.

my freedom. my life. without all these external pressure closing in on me.

Miss my MFs damn a lot! )':

somehw, it's stressful hanging out with some of my frends here.

there's just that border... u noe?

cz I left last year...

and I just don't really fit in as much since obviously..

we don't share the same memories anymore rite?

it's painful in a way...

but it's okay :) because the part of me, from Melaka is awesome and I like it.

but yet again, I just cant seem to be that 'me' around my KK friends.

Maybe because I'm an adaptive person?

the craziness and humour point of my Melaka friends and KK are quite different.

maybe a bit mismatched.

but dont get me wrong, I still love my KK frends :)

perhaps I hang out with Melaka frends more lately...

really miss them. them and their fucking annoying-ness :D

i mentioned smth abt quitting drinking.

i really did consider that.

but coming back was so stressful (I rly dunno why it's getting on my nerve),

that I went all over the place looking for liquor. but of cz I din drink lar..

I'll save it for Melaka. there'll be 2 high parties to crash ;)
after that, maybe... hopefully, I will quit bah. hehe...

oh yea, less photos this time.

I dunno why I bothered to bring the camera.

it felt awkward and weird.. perhaps even a little distant.

i don't like it... or perhaps we're just growing up? is it?

haih, regretful, remorseful. that's what I feel after each gathering.

Gonna have a BFF day out with Karine 2mr.

It's be great :) It'll be the pinnacle of this holiday.

please oh please, Dear God...

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Spoke too soon!

2011-08-26T09:48:00.002+08:00

urghhhh!!!!

bu shuang bu shuang bu shuang.

wo bu shuang.

wtf.

can't believe i let my guard down sia )':

screw you man -__-"

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just an update :) I know certain ppl read this.

2011-08-24T12:31:00.002+08:00

so life's been busy and well, it's a good thing I dont write here often rite?

means I'm doing well ;) hehe..

degree life is hectic, chaotic... stressful.

they say the arch nemesis of lawyers is time.

damn true! exam forever nt enuf time >__<"

anyway, i'm shaking at the thot of finals.

so many to read and memorise, yet so little time and motivation.

enough of academics,

so yeah, feelings and emotions. hmm...

I'm feeling great :) and I'm happy.

My MFs are the cause of my happy yet suffering days.

They have been bullying me... it's getting unbearable. hahaha.. meh...?

I may turn out to miss it when they stop ):

hate psychology!

anyway, I realised my weakness lol. 'him'.

every time they use against me, I cant do anything!

or rather, thr's no point arguing or wad not.

it's 1 against 4.

talk abt stating the obvious rite? -___-"

aside from that, 'she' is still forever 'hilarious'.

I mean, I noe I'm bad ass for laughing. but 'she' is just too "amazing".

interested..? let me know... HAHAHA..

anyway, I'm going back to KK this Friday.

can't wait to meet my fam and beloved friends <3

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Alcohol?

2011-07-03T22:41:00.002+08:00

haha, spend the whole day with him ytdy :)
dont think it really signified much bah ^^
the feel is like... hang out with best friend like that.

not bad oso ^^

anyway, had lots of alcohol ytdy! not THAT strong, but lots.

it was fun. I was high. HAHA.

awesome to feel high!

it's a time when I dont have to give a damn or a fuck abt anything or anyone.

the time when I can really really be myself <3

and not to say what, but I think I'm pretty awesome when I'm high :)

I can make ppl laugh, I can make myself laugh..

at any trivial stupid thing... ^^

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So...

2011-06-28T22:53:00.002+08:00

i feel that the most important thing is being frank and honest.

not to everyone else, but to urself. at the very least :)

pain, suffering, past experiences help us to move on,

with our head held high.

Was talking to myself in my head jz now... hahaha.

I told myself that I don't like blueberry anymore.

but another thot hit me, and told me the exact opposite.

I'm okay really :)
we grow up each and every day.

I admit abt my feelings, but I feel that that actually helps me to get over it,

esp when that's for the best rite?

to hell with ego.

able to chat with him more lately :)

it's fun.. at least we're friends again haha.

and I feel that it's better to keep as being friends :D

I don't really mind what the girl do or say anymore.

Find it funny thou =)

I'm sorry i spread what you did, bt i couldnt help it :X

Jiayou to me! :) screw this 反反复复ness~ haha..
I think i'll be back soon @@

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Thots.

2011-05-17T10:24:00.002+08:00

Hm, I WAS feeling better haha.. and still am compared to the last time i blogged.

anyway, yeah, for sure it's different liao.

din chat for abt 3 weeks ady?

I dunno if it's becz u noe I having exam and u prep-ing for yours or what...

but...

I hate it when so many things can remind me of you lol.

I bet few stuff remind you of me thou :O

Ah! Nid to focus FINALS ahh!

if it's not meant to be Lord,

pls help me get some closure so I can move on :)

but since no target, maybe I'll just stick around for a while more. hahaha.

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Break even.

2011-05-05T10:10:00.004+08:00

The feeling you get when u feel that something is slipping off your fingers,

and you can do nothing to stop it or do anything to get it back.

maybe it's not what it seems to be, but well, I do feel very emo.

things dont seem to be the same.

but then again, who am I to analyse now?

esp when I'm in such a f*cked up state. lol.

What am i suppose to say when I'm all choked up but u're okay?

I'm falling to pieces.

No, when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even.

God, please help me, to focus on my finals that's round the corner.

tyvm.. at least distract me from this emo period :)

amen.

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2011-05-04T20:10:00.001+08:00

你永远也看不见我最爱你的时候，

因为我只有在看不见你的时候，才最爱你。

同样，

你永远也看不见我最寂寞的时候，

因为我只有在你看不见我的时候，我才最寂寞。

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trust my own judgement.

2011-05-03T20:33:00.002+08:00

when i asked this, "I dunno which to believe, your words or my judgement?"

my frends mostly agreed to trusting own judgement.

thanks for the heads up guys.

actually, I noe ady that i shud trust my own judgement.

but then, wishful thinking, just wanted to trust your words.

today, i did some stalking.. and yeah.. true enuf.

haih. I dunno what to do, what can I do.

really think we shouldnt contact each other for awhile?

best for both of us lol.

haiz, today is a happy day, yet it can be so depressing at the same time.

>.<

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不知该怎么办

2011-05-02T22:19:00.005+08:00

哇塞！好久没来这儿写了!

好事还是坏事呢？

应该是好事。　证明我还挨得过去。

可是　今天却有一点点受不了。

其实，我已经知道你不是什么代替品。。

所以今天才会在写这一切吧。

怎么办？我不喜欢做中间人啊！

为什么每次都会这样呢？

haiyoo..

很明显的，那女生就是也喜欢你嘛。

她却偏偏很像在骗自己酱。

她知道我也喜欢你，然后她自己又很像不懂她喜欢你。

时常问我关于你的事。。你对她怎样，她又会跟我讲 =.=

然后又很伤心你那样对她 lol. 好笑的是，我还须安慰她呢。。

然后，我有良心嘛。

就去跟你讲咯，其实应该只是想问个清楚吧？

可是，你却内疚噢。

还问我你应该跟她道歉吗？

不是叫我不知所措吗？

虽然你常说不喜欢她，可是我又可以相信吗？

上次就已败于《相信》。

然后你到最后，　打电话给她。

我不懂啊！　

你是听我鼓励你去找她　还是出自于自己的心？

或许我有一点自私吧，所以才会这么介意？

我承认我介意。

虽然没什么资格介意，可是我现在很不爽啊！！

ｈａｉｙｏ!

救我啊！

我是普通人啊！

为什么你可以 call 她，却又忘了回我的信息？

想起来，pekcek 啦!

话说回来，

如果你真的不喜欢人家就不要忽冷忽热吧？

一时对人家好，一时对人家不好。。

不是更残忍吗？

。。。

不懂啊。

讨厌。

你为什么要介绍她给我认识呢？

让我现在那么左右为难啊~

怎么办？

不要理了啦。

需要“调整自己”了。

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原来。。[2]

2011-02-28T00:49:00.004+08:00

lmao.

原来你是代替品吗？

可是对之前的，依然已经放下了。

这我可以肯定！

所以，你算什么呢？

我现在很气！

很气我自己，会让自己让你玩的团团转！

很气你可以这么地残忍！

玩弄别人的感情。

你凭什么？

现在面对的是自尊的问题吧。

暂时无法放过你。

你要玩对吧？

我丰沛到地！

玩人，我经验比你多的呢！

CHIUUU

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a short part of a story..

2011-02-13T01:01:00.001+08:00

Now, I'm straining my last bit of strength to balance at the edge of a roof..

Looking down, I saw you. But your arms were crossed against your chest and in your eyes, I saw a familiar warmth and sparkle..Then, with a soft and gentle voice, you called out, "Come on down." Or rather, that's what I hoped to hear as I glimpsed the smile that followed.

Am I delusional? Why would you make me fall yet showed no intention of capturing me?

Just then, another dilemma begun within me. To put aside my pride and ego as I choose to fall, taking the risk that you'd catch me and embracing the chances of brokenness.. Or.. to hold onto a strand of so called dignity, just to place myself in a place,where you cant see me get hurt?

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2011-01-08T15:55:00.000+08:00

天平不是因为寂寞才会爱上一个人，天平是因为爱上一个人才寂寞！

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希望有一天，可以说　“曾经”。

2011-01-03T01:38:00.004+08:00

人呢。。

就是怕受伤害，所以会想尽办法自我保护。

其中的法子，也就是不说出自己真正的感受。

我也不例外啊。

所以在这边，我将鼓起勇气，诚实地…坦白地…　说出来。

"我喜欢你。"

其实这句话，从以前到今天可以对好几个人说的。

可惜的是，错过了机会，不然就是后悔没勇气吧。

因为害怕被拒绝，因为没有人踏出第一步。。

就这样，这句话永远掩藏在心底，这样浪费了。

对一些人，或许我的感情是单方面的。

可是对另一些人，　我反而觉得　“不对呀。应该是彼此都喜欢吧。”

不知道从何时开始，　你开始对我冷淡了。

渐渐的，　我们也很少联络了。

这几个星期，我过得不错，

繁忙的生活让我不去想你，

不去介意你不再是我每天一定要沟通的人。

我承认，是我选择逃避。

是我选择让时间冲淡一切。

让忙碌让我过得好一点。

可是，我不觉的这完全是我的错。

如果，你可以不要常常忽冷忽热，

不要动不动就不理不睬的。

或许，就不会这样了。

你可能不能理解，每天发短讯而每封都不被回答几天的心情。

你让我觉得自己很多余，很像常常烦着你似的，这你知道吗？

选择逃避，就是自护。

这几个星期，让我觉得不再喜欢你。

可以当作从来没有喜欢过你。

可是，我错了。

刚刚发现你好像有了GF，那一刹呐，心很痛。

比我想象的还要痛几白倍。

说真的，我还喜欢你吗？　

我也不清楚。

心痛是因为你找到了归属，可是却不是我吗？

还是因为，你都没告诉我呢？

怎么说，我应该也当得上一个最要好的朋友吧？

暂时性的解药：

只希望，在遥远的将来。。

当我们谈起往事时，

有机会对彼此说，　“我曾经喜欢过你。”

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我的问题。

2011-01-03T01:17:00.002+08:00

很多人，睡着了就很难睡回去，

可是我面对的问题不在于睡回去，

而是开始睡眠啊。

要怎么克服呢？

很痛苦啊。

每天需要躺在床上好几个小时才可以睡！

躺在床上的时候，不知不觉地。。

就会想起很多事情，反省很多东西。

在白天或许忙过头了，就从来不会去想这些。。

难道，忙碌又是错的吗？

我也不清楚，我到底是在逃避吗?

自我麻木？Haih.

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Nightmare Chain

2010-11-29T01:01:00.003+08:00

OMG. semester break is over! sobs.

and i had the most shitty one. think.

so not enuf! and i fell sick. fever, sore throat, food poison, menstrual cramp -.-

worse part: i din get enuf sleep..

Everyday.. i had nightmares.

well, technically u dont call those the horror type.

but it just makes me cant slp.

those like.. i dreamt abt me going back to KK. but i missed the flight.

kinda thing?

urghh. ):

and now i've gotten sick of trying to slp every night!

izzit loneliness? or am i too sober?

every night before i can finally slp, i go thru an agonizing few hrs.

reminiscing back the past...

thinking abt the future..

reflecting on the present.

and frankly saying, i think i might be drowning in relationship problems.

guah.

i'm getting all these mixed feelings.

all these random thoughts.

and i cant take a break.

kit kat doesnt help. (haha)

tonight is one of those nights as well.. but i guess bloggin does help.

i'm feeling a bit more slpy now..

nites :) give a good dream pls. =)

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Dear Diary..

2010-11-29T00:50:00.003+08:00

mhm.. it's been a while :)

anyway, November.. had been.. not so good.

Lots of unhappy stuff happened.

Especially with a very dear fren in MMU.

spending too much time together might end up with more conflicts.

this is true.

well, mostly becz humans r like that.

we seek to be understood. and we assumed others should and understand us.

and that's were the problem starts.

Expectation.

Assumption.

i've learned

"不要要求别人谅解你，因为发现不被谅解反而更加痛苦”

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回忆的反反复复？

2010-10-29T00:49:00.002+08:00

昨天失眠啊。。

突然很想很想 KK 噢。

想起无数的美好时光。

是开心的。

今天，

好累，好累啊。

精神上所承担的显得特别沉重。。

与MMU朋友们相处有稍微的摩擦，

说不出口，懒得谈，懒得吵，更懒得闹。

算了。

今天，

脑海里一样闪过过去的画面，

一样是开心的回忆。。

可是为什么，这次感觉不一呢？

心，带有刺痛的感觉。

眼泪，也就这样流了下来。

原来，回想过去不一定会带给一个人微笑。

我错了。思念是一种难以形容的痛。

回想过去

让我更了解无法让时间倒流的事实。

让我觉得很像失去了生命中非常非常重要的一大部分。

让我不知不觉地讨厌和厌倦现在。

让我发现我唯一可以做的，就是抬头挺胸，往前走。

可是，真的没有想像中的容易啊。

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again with the " you've changed"

2010-10-14T23:35:00.002+08:00

OMG.

i noe la.

i sux at comforting ppl now.

i sux at motivating ppl now.

I've been told to be good at those in Form1-3?

you wanna noe y?

cz i cant do the decision for you.

cz i realise tat life is up to you to decide.

how you handle the situations in life will result in a different way!

and i dont have the right to make u do a decision.

and i've learn the hard way in my life.

I think it's better to tell ppl what they shud hear, not wad they wanna hear!

you think it's easy for me?

izzit??

meddling with ppl's affairs. i'm nt fond of that anymore.

i've outgrown the naive shell of mine.

i'm tired for doing so much and getting less returns.

i noe hw u feel. i rly do.

believe or not, it hw how a lot of ppl feel.

tat's wad makes it hard.

if u ask for my advice or wadever,

dont expect me to ask u to do smth.

unless i'm 100% sure of it.

if not, the choice is forever yours, and u cant blame me for it.

URGH.

i'm so sensitive with this "you've chged" issue!!!

): HATE IT.

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再次离开。。

2010-10-03T23:44:00.003+08:00

回去差不多一个星期多，

时间如火箭一样快地飞去。

在这短短的时间里

我忙了很多事情

和很多人创造了不少回忆噢！

回来的感觉

就像是，

我从来没有离开过。

可是，可能就因为这样，

再度离开，也和首次离开一样伤心，心疼。

不对。

应该是更加伤心，心。。显得更加沉重啊。

或许整个星期都在忙所以没什么和自己的心情接触，

在离开的当天才真真发现自己根本不想回马六甲。

早上，妈妈带我去剪头发，坐在那儿时，泪默默地流了下来。

我也只能把泪收回，不断告诉自己 “上次也是这样离开的，没什么好哭的。”

回到家，妹妹开始缠着我了。

开头觉得有点烦，就对他动手了。

然后看着他不坑一声地把头往枕头埋去了。

那时，才发现，才察觉到，他对我的不舍。

我离开后，他应该很寂寞吧。

泪啊。。又不听话了。

和家人说再见时，也有一种难以形容的复杂心情啊。

说真的，在机场时有两个我非常非常想见的人。

就是在上个星期和我相处最愉快的。

可是，他们都没有出现。也算了吧。 (:

上了飞机后，真的很累了。。

就闭上眼睛。。醒来后，再也睡不回了。

因为，脑海里都是在沙巴的回忆！

想念！可以变得如此的难受。。

真是一种带着开心的伤心啊！

T____T

很想念“你”的拥抱。

也很想念和“你”一起的时光。

到了马六甲的家，

感觉上很不踏实。

为什么时间不能倒流呢？ ):

haihh..

可是，他们也说，

“不要伤心它已过去，而要开心它曾经发生过！”

我会加油的。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

Exhaustion

2010-09-29T16:01:00.002+08:00

Oh mii gawdd...

travelling is tiring, but it feels so good to be back. (WHEN WIT MY FRENS)

it feels kinda tiring to be at home??

it's nt boredom.

it's like i have to please my mum especially?

omg. i am so tired. i am so behsong with her mood swings.

my grandma came over too.

i mean i do love her. n i do spend time wit her.

i talk to her.

BUT

whr was my mum? busy at office.

at night, i wanna do my stuff, ohh cannot.

cz mum thinks tat we bo choi grandma.

and gets mad at me.

SLAM DOOR.

RAISE HER VOICE.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

OMG la. very tiring u noe?

i noe i shudnt have tis feeling?

but i DO.

I feel very 'FAN' when you talk to me..

I feel very 'FAN' when grandma n auntie talk.

URGHH.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

Just becz other ppl dont do wad they nid to,

you have to do it.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

Dreams again...

2010-09-19T08:18:00.004+08:00

I wish i can record my dreams and watch again later.

haha..

anyways, I better write them down before i forget?

i had 3 nitemares ytdy. and a good dream too. haha. 4 dreams in a nite!

lol~

Nitemares:

1st)

Everywhr i go, chinese is like banned. It disappeared. N i was searching hard. ):

2nd)

Repetitive of the 1st, lol.. but this time, i was telling Karine about it. T T

3rd)

Lol, thr was a fight, I was siding one of the teams. lol. (dont rly rmb liao) but it was a bit bloody. hahaha.. i rmb one part, whr i kinda main buyuk. lol. i go kacau the judging system. :P

Good dream)

I dreamt of my lovely LokYuk Juniors!

♥♥♥

Well, we always dont rly rmb who's in our dreams so i barely can...

but thr's Jeremiah, Amanda Chee, Cheryl Kok, Winnee... etc. a whole lot. lol.

mostly those who worked under me before.

*SCREAMS*

I miss being your KETUA ohh..

U guys got miss me bo? haha..

I was in some kind of competition.

Fellow competitors: LokYuk friends?? no idea. lol. i just rmb one is Paw i think :O lol

Judge: MMU PGL0015 Lecturer -_____-

anyways,
Then i got special treatment! my last task was very very hard.

but the judge gave me my lokyuk juniors as backup.

huhu! so happy. hahahaha.

We were suppose to remake a chair (those boss sit one) wit the spare parts & redecorate.

+ all the other small stools. haha..

before i could end the dream,

*ALARM RINGS*

uh.. ): din have the chance to finish building the chairs! T T

but hey, the design is planted in my mind. :) maybe..

just maybe..

one day, it might be a dream come true

♥

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

我不怪你

2010-09-17T10:05:00.003+08:00

我不怪你想要默默地离开

因为如果是我我应该会做出一样的事吧。。

就算离开是自己的选择

离开的那一刻依然会让人有种难以形容的痛和不舍。

更何况如果离开是别人对你的要求呢？

所以选择默默离开就可以避免面对不想面对的。。

朋友，离别，哭泣，更切实的心痛和不舍。。

我明白，可是真的是这样吗？

当你在飞机上默默流泪时，

其实我也一样陪着你。

你感受得到吗？

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

梦。

2010-09-16T14:57:00.002+08:00

昨天睡得不错哦！

发了一场梦。

梦里的人都是KK的朋友！哈哈。

有点可笑，也有点奇怪。

当时很像是在排戏，有几只牛，很像在比哪只快还是什么的。哈哈。。

然后有人说华文，突然又变马来文。 zzz..

然后突然我就在人群里了，和朋友们看戏。。HAHAHAHA.

可是感觉不错！嘻嘻 ~ ^^

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

想念

2010-09-16T01:22:00.002+08:00

要考试了！

可是突然想我在KK的朋友们！

我要回去了哟！嘻嘻。

可是想你们时，

就不知不觉看回我们以前一起走过的时光！

让人感受到带着伤心的开心啊。。。

笑着哭，哭着笑。

我很想很想很想念你们啊！

你们都好吗？！

T T

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

孤单

2010-09-13T21:58:00.002+08:00

有时候会去想“孤单”是不是个诅咒?

近来，读了一些有关天平座的文章。。

也不算是迷信吧。

可是还蛮准的。哈哈。。

“天平座是最怕孤单的。。”

一个人的时候，

没有事情忙着的时候，

孤单的滋味还蛮切实的。

让人觉得有点疲倦，厌倦而已。

只想用睡眠，让时间过去。

晚安了。。 (:

p/s: 他们也说天平座是很依靠别人的！我绝对不认同！ :P

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

诅咒吗？

2010-09-08T19:38:00.003+08:00

有时候真的很害怕闭上眼睛。。

因为会回到回不去的过去，

因为会看到不想面对的将来，

因为会体会到渴望发生的事的痛苦，

因为会被那么实际的思念和寂寞所折磨。。

累啊。

可是也只好闭上眼睛了。。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

a leap of faith perhaps?

2010-08-16T10:04:00.002+08:00

going back Melaka soon lerr..

I dun wanna say Goodbye laar.

espcially when u rly nid to mean it.....

it's so saddening. makes me realise hw loooong more till the next "hi" to you..

hw loong more till i get to see you again..

wad makes it harder..

is that i rly dunno.

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

动摇了。

2010-08-12T01:24:00.002+08:00

just finished watching 海派甜心 ..

makes me feel kinda emo ):

esp after watching their NG scenes..

i've always been interested in performing arts/ film/ theatre?

watching the NG scenes reminds me so much of drama!

brings back lots n lots of memories..

sometimes, i imagine myself being involved in smth like tat :)
the shooting, NGs, slpless nites..

but then, tis field is hard to survive bah.

+ structural integrity problem. lols TT

~~没有勇气~~

risk too much.

Settling for Law.

--- > prof job. good pay. stable life.

but i rly wish i have d chance to experience smth like tat looor.. ):

damm jealous of Pawara laa.. T T

haihhs... maybe "one day" my chance will come :)

有期待。。是件好事吧 ♥

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

How how how? ):

2010-07-31T22:32:00.004+08:00

Teach me how to react to all these things!! ):

urghhhh...
i dunno hw to react la..

wad is the boundaries?

wad if i screw up?

wad if....

wad if i was wrong? lol :S

sux sux sux~~ @@

getting tired of playing this game laa..

I WAN OUT. meh?

wad if wanting out was wrong too?

i dont wan to taste regret worr...

)':

y cant u jz tell me instead? lol :S

i wanna noe.

the place i have.

in yr eyes perhaps.... :X?

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

Pweety please??

2010-07-18T15:30:00.003+08:00

I wanna go bak to form3 4 &5!!!
Miss it so so so so so much......
Tis weekend spent it in KL wit Karine..
Wasn't exactly wad I tot.. )':
Thr was no screaming when we met.
No hugs during goodbyes.
It became rather a significant regret........
Why did it end like tis??
I imagined smth so much btr!

Then thr's obstacles. Some crazy bitches tat makes life so difficult.
Domino's pizza phailed.. Was looooking so forward to it.
But plan ruined by one of d bitches. Gave wrong info to me..
Wthell wo!!

Den another bitch took Karine away cz she was too much a coward to go to town herself.
Damn sien! Make me bo mood dao bao!

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

2010-07-16T12:19:00.001+08:00

I've decided. =)

APPRECIATE THE MOMENT.

that's wad i'll do for the time being.

no expectation = no disappointment

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

struggles?

2010-07-03T16:21:00.002+08:00

aiyoyo. wad am i becoming?

so wasted lar. emotional turmoil?

urghh. i dunno wad to do!

i felt drowned. in unnecessary thots? in necessary or unnecessary stuff?

lol. get wad i mean? ==

i feel pathetic. waiting.

WAITING. it kills. seriously...

*sigh*

72hrs.

den the feeling vanished?

i feel stupid trying to hold on to that feeling.

it was so hard. so hard to find back smth in the past..

nw now its gone again? lol. i m crapping.

i dun even noe y i post tis thing up ==

i hate the feeling that 忽冷忽热 u noe?

so many uncertainties.

create so many unnecessary thots?

urgh darn..

last question: Shud i hold on? or let go? move on?

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

难道是错的吗？

2010-06-19T01:00:00.002+08:00

T^T

)':

very moody these few days ehh... haihxx..

made a bunch of frends in MMU ler..

i mean, it's nice la.. but tis week had been upsy turdy.

i feel out of place? i feel like i dont mix? aiyo! i dunno hw say..

they r fun to b with lar.

but...

i feel tat they cant set their priorities straight lor!

urghh.. it's hard to be with ppl who have different standards of efficiency..

it's hard to cope with them. feel so tired?

den there'll always b a dilemma like:

"hmm.. if i follow them, sure fun etc... den more bond oso ma.."

"but lectures are important! cannot ponteng la!"

so, whn i chose to NOT PONTENG with them..

problem occur?

like, "eh~ ltr we skip lecture, help me sign attendance a!"

*takes paper* "come! i teach u!"

wtf?!

obviously, i dont do these kind of stuff rite? ==

i mean, OI, if u have d guts to ponteng, have the guts to face d consequences oso la!

diiiuu.. -.-

u ponteng, ur choice weh! y drag me in?

y shud i do smth wrong for ur sake rite?

but then again... -.- being in tat situation...

3 of them sendiri come teach me sign their signature...

wad else can i say?

i told them, "tis is the 1st, the last n the only time i'll do tis."

"Joanna, u beh song us a?"

"a bit lor..."

sighhhs...

in the end, i didnt sign for them.

they asked another girl to do it.

speechless ler.

d reason they skip tat 1 hr lecture is becz they r hungry.

Like i wasnt?! -.-

so i dunno lar. if i hav to put up with them for the whole of tis trimester like tis..

very sien de leh. it's like, i do the right thing, but alone. U GET?

it makes me feel like nt doing d right thing, or simply leave these friends?

bt it wasnt easy to make friends la! aiyoyo..

another time was, 4pm tutorial.. den 3.45pm i wan go class le..

den they were like.. aiya! nvm lar.. go at 3.55 :)

"ok lor.." *sighs*

when reach class, no seats in the front liao.

OMG sitting at the back sux! the LCD cant see, d lecturer talk like unclear liao..

N.... i sat with a 电脑白痴! seriously!

OMG. it's not like i'm discriminating or wadever,

or trying to say tat i'm good (which i am XD HAH)

but, c'mon la! pay attention in class! GAH.

my blood vessel can pop i tell u.

the tchr demo once. i demo once.

she still din get it. d most basic one oso she dunno.

in the end, i practically move her mouse n do the tutorial for her -.-

damm sien.

n oso....... got some prob with a bossy friend oso!

****

seriously.. -.- at 1st is becz she sprained her ankle, so i mean.. ok la nvm, i help her do stuff.

den her leg ok liao still continue weh!

wtf. den hor~ she quarrel with her bf... take it out on us tim.. sien.

so hw la?

see how things go bah..

stuck with them for assignments le anyways... ):

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

My farewell~ MEH?

2010-05-15T14:49:00.002+08:00

feeling rly down.

sry to say lar. i actually felt like nt going.

ONe.. family... mmmhmm...

ONe Farewell for me & Dom? u sure?

or is just u guys' punya day out?

haha.. rly sry la. u guys din make me feel like the main character for tis outing.

well, tis is wad i think lar:

planner gt prob?

Seriously, even d main character cant attend an event, u guys go wit it juga?

whr's d logic in tat? u guys just wanted to take d chance go watch movie... IRON MAN II or IP MAN.

wan take chance go Den2 & Sharon's 1B apartment. rite?

didnt rly feel the family feel in here? haha..

pfft. oso kan, another main character (Dom) pun sudah watch both shows lar. he rewatch tim.

haiya.. y cant u guys, just listen or get the hint? tsk.. or u dun wan get it?

Actually, me & Dom wanted go Sabah Museum. can make more memories den watch movie la pls. think pls? -.- goshh.. no offence, i'm disappointed.

if u say, aiyo! den tell la u wan go museum!

HAHA. hw funny. i did. so did Dom.

bt wad did i hear? "Eh~ Den2~ u sure u ady book d movie tickets a? ^^ *SMILE*"

wad else u wan me say leh?

i dunno is my problem or wad?

I OWAYS FEEL SO EFFIN SMALL whn around u.

i wonder if i ever had impact on other ppl..

i wonder if u guys would even rmb me after i leave?

对我公平一点可以吗？

u noe ka? i noe u felt tat i chged. since Form1.

true. i did. i admit.

form1, still young, still naive.

well, have u ever tot y i chged?

cz i felt like.. a stupid dumb blonde all the time.

i try my best make things memorable & enjoyable for ppl.

i try my best to help them.

but how many ppl? hw many times? did they ever try their best to do the same for me?

karine once told me, "i chged. i'm nt tat into u guys anymore.. i dont "search" within u guys.."

well then, " hw many times did u even search within me?"

u guys dunno hw it feels like.. to understand other ppl, bt nt understood by ppl....

it actually hurts & stings.

I chged becz, some thots hit me.

"wad's d point of being so caring, whn u doubt they'd do the same to u?"

just let me b more selfish.. for once?

i bet u didnt noe tat i noe..

In Form2, we had a fight... then cold shoulder..

HAH. then we went separate ways.. & u said to karine, "AIYA, nvm de la. after a while she'll come back to us de :) "

HOHOHO. taken for granted much? wtff...

urghh.. the chains of sorrow. yeah.. they root within oneself.

from one thing link to so many other unhappy things...

tonight still gt farewell dinner with ONe.

its gonna b tiring...

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

crankyness brings the taste of bitter

2010-05-15T14:27:00.002+08:00

maybe didnt slp well tis few days.. plus work pressure kan.. ):

brought back many many thoughts of bitterness.

i'll get the biggest one off my shoulder 1st X(

yeah, tat's u.

pfft. thr's so many hateful & mad things i wanna tell to ur face.

but i guess, it'll b totally random? *SIGHS*

i rmb clearly, that day.. during spm exam...

i was just sharing abt my brother going to india to study dentistry.

WHICH i am proud of :)

BUT... u just had to do that didnt u?

u're always like tat.

every1 else is nt important.

only urself.... i wonder if u ever thot of hw i felt whn u said those words?

even eileen was shocked u said things like tat.

"OMG seriously?! ur brother?! DENTISTRY?! he is like SHIT lar."

"U THINK LA. u see ur bro like tat. whr got ppl wan go see him see teeth oh!"

(SUPER LC FACE)

"if me i rather die oh"

* thr's still more, she kip emphasising on SHIT*

WTF?! HAH? wad did i ever do to u oh? wad did HE ever do to u?

i swear, if tat time nt spm period, i definitely argue wit u. ARGUE BIG BIG.

KAO. who r u la?! U SO GOOD MEH? PUII. GOOD SO WAD?

NO NID B BEST IN EVERYTHING?! NO NID OWAYS STEP ABOVE MY HEAD.

sometimes i cant help but feel tat u feel tat 'm a threat?

whnever i win u in smthing, it feels... scary? i rly hate hw u treat me sometimes.

like i'm ur rival. bt u still kip me close as a fren.

i feel like nothing. nobody....... no1 important.

d only time, u would look for me, is when u nid help.

help do tis, do tat? help solve tis solve tat?

den whn i needed help? whr r u? it's quite hard to talk to u.

oH oh.. another time u will look for me, is when u got smth feel nice to show off.

PFFT. 踩低别人是抬不高自己的！

anyways, thanks to ur actions tat day.

i woke up. i realised hw important my bro is. & hw much i rly love him despite hating him at the same tym :P

bt then, nw i'm soaked in guilt.. cz i din stand up for him.

cz i din tell u off with ur damm attitude.

GOSH. i doubt this burden's off my shoulder until i rly tell u hw much u've hurt me.

at that time & all along.......

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

下着雨。。

2010-04-22T20:48:00.002+08:00

下大雨了。

如果烦恼可以被大雨冲走，那该多好？

人生难料！偏偏喜欢跟人开玩笑。

做人也挺辛苦的。。

任命好？还是拼命好？

刚才妈妈跟我约了星期六去做身体检查。

看来，我不说，他们也当着我同意了。。

雨啊雨啊。。

就算是我求你好了。。

替我洗走这些难以形容的痛！

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

无言？！

2010-04-22T15:58:00.002+08:00

i'm speechless.

wthell......... one phone call.

"ur appeal to MMU to chg from Engineering to Law has been approved"

omg.

i tot after awhile i was ok wit it?

but when i hung up on the phone... my heart sank...

down & down & down.......

tears just whelmed up....

gonna b emo 2mr at Den2's hse... ):

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

心情好啊，心情坏~ ^^

2010-04-21T22:50:00.002+08:00

快要精神分裂了！

MMU那儿必须等多一个星期才可以确认哦！

好折磨！

好想找Ms Hannah 或 Mr Isaac 谈谈Law的东西。。

可就是没勇气吗？ Yor！

希望星期五可以有机会吧！下个星期就放假了！很难有机会跟他们谈谈了！

）：伤心。

今天还好吧！嘻嘻！

与Karen他们几个疯着呢！哈哈哈。。

太压力了。。

Midterm nia 啦。这么拼命！XD

其实也是件好事啦~ ^^

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

看开点，世界更美好 (:

2010-04-20T20:06:00.002+08:00

哇~ 今天的心情还不错哦！

嘻嘻。。

学会看开点了吧~

或者是，跟Karine说了，所以轻松了 ^^

也或者。。

没什么看见朋友们。。所以没有胡思乱想。

这个星期考试啊。。

与他们相处的时间超少的！有点怀念。 XD

你们还好吧？！*SHOUT TO THE SEA*

舒服多了~ ♥

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

枕头后面的故事。。

2010-04-19T14:22:00.003+08:00

心情超差的。。
哭过了，还以为好了些。。
今天看见大家，有说有笑的。。又让我心酸了。
这些我都必须抛下吗？

看见ONe的家人时。。
突然有种想要拥抱他们的冲动。。

今天。。哈哈。。
二弟煮了汤让我们品尝哦~
不知是不是应为很大可能将会离开，喝汤时有种幸福的感觉 ^^

心很乱。舍不得。。
面对不了。。
开不了口啊！
原来是这么地痛。。

我可以贪心一点吗？
与你们相处的时间实在太短了！
与你们共同拥有的回忆也太少了！
还不够认识你们！还没有跟你们疯狂的够！):

可以吗？
希望明天心情可以更好。。

❥ †r¥ïñg †ö lïvê †hê ßê§† öµ† ö£ ï† ツ

I'm leaving?

2010-04-18T13:21:00.000+08:00

i guess i rly am gonna leave..
May.. 2010..

its nt something for sure yet..
mum still nid to call MMU & ask if i can chg to Law course..
If can, i'll most probably havetta go.

wad she said is true also lar.
i mean, if i rly wanna b a lawyer liao, y nt go for Foundation in Law?
going for A-lvls is a waste of time & money. ):
how sadd.

jz thinking abt it is killing me inside.
letting go?
grabbing on?
i dunno wad is wad nw!

urghh. if i go, i have to say Goodbye to my ever so loved ONe family..
i have to say bye to my parents, my sis (hwever annoying she is)..
i have to say bye to my closest frends..

i'm gonna miss many outings, so many birthdays.
i'm gonna miss my bday party here too?!
i'm gonna miss Hari Kecemerlangan SMKLY
i'm gonna miss the welcoming back of pawsoh..
i'm gonna miss IS nite.

i'm nt rdy.

part of growing up?
it sux
& i hate it.
i downright hate it.

默默流泪。。

2010-04-18T13:05:00.000+08:00

不要再逼我了！

很烦啊！

舍不得。。

放不下。。

难道离开真的是最好的选择吗？

心很痛哦。。心很重。。

一旦离开了。。就必须开始新的生活，熟悉所有新的东西了。

可是，那不是最大的问题。

问题在于撇下以前，撇下现在啊！

我没有把握，也没有这个勇气。

因为在心里的深处，我明白，离开了。。

一切就不能回头，一切再也不会是一样了。。

与你们的感情也将疏远吗？

我不甘心。真的真的不甘心。。。

Kiss the Rain - 雨的印记

2009-09-21T23:04:00.000+08:00

Even without lyrics, music can touch hearts..
How nostalgic...

Fragments of memories flashed..
The Happiness, The Laughter..
The sorrow and the tears too.
I feel like smiling
Yet stimultaneously,
the glint of sadness is found
Deeply within..

Looking back,
Many people come and go in life..
The visible became the invisible,
The unforgotten became the forgotten.

Looking back,
many a times in life,
we experience posession and lost..
The invisible became visible,
The forgotten, became the unforgetten..

But,
Does the invisible befall as non-existent?
and does the unforgotten then etched as the memorable?

The fear of parting with close ones..
The sadness that overhelms the fact that we're all growing up..
Supplemented with,
The courage to take on new adventures..
The grasp of holding on to so many memories..

Complications.
Overiding of emotions and feelings.

But in the end, we still ought to accept..
However life will turn out to be..

Just wanna say, I'm gonna miss so many ppl after SPM.
sometimes it hurts..
but i'll cherish everything we have nw ^^
Love y'all lots my fwens!! ):

2008-12-06T13:55:00.001+08:00

My heart wavers at the very hope given..
The questions that clouded my mind,
The doubts that blocked my path,
The incertainty that was bottled up..
Awakened.

I never realised how fragile my resolve was.
Pathetic!
All was fake. Courage, calmness.
The outer apperance..
Will nvr fail to deceive any1.
The violent storm of the heart..
Unseen.. Well Hidden.

The skin itself is cold,
Yet it holds the fiery and trembling streams of blood,
Gushing at every pinch of nervousness.
The ball of iron that holds now the tension,
And the spurts of adrenaline that fasten every heartbeat.

The tears and hidden fears,
were not meant to be..
But again, their existence within one,
is UNDENIABLE.
They root within a soul,
and cause pain whenever possible..

- XClairevoyanist -

JUST BELIEVE

2008-12-06T11:51:00.000+08:00

It sounds so easy but actually its very hard to do so, God..
Things are turning the other way round.
I was careless and I pend sincerely for my parents' and Your forgiveness.
I'm sorry Father..
But I cant stop blaming n hating myself..

Before dad rly comes home, I rly want to believe.
In You God. In Your Miracles.
You know it better than anything else.
My worries, my fears.. and definately my occasional doubtings.

But God, I want Yuu to know that..
I;m scared. But I'm willing to trust.
I need Your help.
I need Your courage and strength to face wadever
the consequences of my carelessness.

I cant breath properly right now.
My heart feels heavy.
I wanna just sleep but I know I wont be able to.
So God, I'll praying with all my heart..
and my remaining strength that you can make a miracle happen today..
I know I'm a bit selfish, but God.. please?

The sticky notes on my comp, well,
I had to help myself believe..
I hope U're not mad..

Shalom

2008-08-24T17:49:00.001+08:00

What izzit that makes a life fulfilling? What brings satisfaction to our days? Today, God invites us to come to him wit our hungers and thirst. God wants to satisfy us.

The narrative of the multiplication of loaves and fishes was especially meaningful to the early Church. This is the only miracle story that appears in all 4 Gospels. When Jesus sees the crowd, his heart was moved. He knows that the ppl are in need and he does not send them away. Jesus takes wad human effort brings him (5 loaves and 2 fishes), blesses it and multiplies it. The result is superabundance! God is generously and surprisingly fulfills the needs of his ppl thru Christ!

Yet thr's more to the story. This narrative is a beautiful image of cooperation with Christ. Today, we look out and see a world wit many needs.

The sheer magnitude of society's challenges can easily lead us to doubt out ability to ever make a difference. Yet, when faith and love prompt us to act concretely, we open ourselves up to the possibility that even our small actions will be amplified by God's grace!

We are invited to present our human efforts- our loaves and fishes to Christ trusting deeply that God is indeed surprisingly generous.

So, my friends, when u nid to stand up for something that u think God would want you to, well, STAND UP for it. Because ur little actions and courage may just b wad the society needed in this corroding life.. U can make a difference because God will make that difference with you!

不想告人的。。

我回来了！

sign of depression

也只有这样了

a small confession

I'm damaged.

everyone is a hypocrite.

note to self?

stressed aku.

#5/12/11- I could have died.

claustrophobic-ish

grrrr!

[302 房] 暗爽还满爽的。。哈哈

# libra

> 72 hours

deception?

uncomfortable in my own skin

untitled.

sobs... );

Astrology- Daily Forecast

Rants

#18/09/2011

#libra

Back For Raya

Spoke too soon!

just an update :) I know certain ppl read this.

Alcohol?

So...

Thots.

Break even.

trust my own judgement.

不知该怎么办

原来。。[2]

a short part of a story..

希望有一天，可以说 “曾经”。

我的问题。

Nightmare Chain

Dear Diary..

回忆的反反复复？

again with the " you've changed"

再次离开。。

Exhaustion

Dreams again...

♥♥♥

I was in some kind of competition.

♥

我不怪你

梦。

想念

孤单

诅咒吗？

a leap of faith perhaps?

动摇了。

How how how? ):

Pweety please??

struggles?

难道是错的吗？

My farewell~ MEH?

crankyness brings the taste of bitter

下着雨。。

无言？！

心情好啊，心情坏~ ^^

看开点 ， 世界更美好 (:

枕头后面的故事。。

I'm leaving?

默默流泪。。

Kiss the Rain - 雨的印记

JUST BELIEVE

Shalom

希望有一天，可以说　“曾经”。

看开点，世界更美好 (: